Happy Birthday to two little angels

On the eve of their birthday, a little message for my little girls....

Dear Sofia and Olivia,

Happy 1st birthday to both of you, my wonderful, miraculous, and beautiful little baby girls. This day is definitely something to celebrate....a day we thought would never come. And what a road it has been. It is nothing short of a miracle that you have both grown so big and strong. Your bright blue eyes and adorable smiles have brought tears of happiness to many people around the world. You are more special than you will ever know and are so incredibly loved.

Although I want to celebrate this day with all the joy and happiness it deserves, I also feel really sad. Part of me wants to hide in a closet and cry my eyes out, waiting for this day to end. The day you were born, exactly one year ago, was the worst day of my life. That's because the day you were born was the day I thought you were going to die. This day for me is full of memories of alarms, panic, worried faces, a speeding ambulance, tears of heartache, and complete and utter fear and devastation.

Right before you were born, we were told that you would have a 60% chance of survival, and even if you survive it was going to be a very long and difficult road. My dreams of the two of you skipping down the street....the two of you holding Matias's hands...the two of you giving me hugs....everything came crashing down on this day. I had never wanted anything before in my life as much as I wanted both of you. When I found out that we were getting two baby girls, I honestly thought that my life was perfect....nice husband, wonderful one-year-old boy, and now 2 little girls who will finally bring pink clothes and pigtails to the 33 years of my life that has been full of boys boys boys.

I have never cried so hard in my life as the moment when I saw you, Sofia. I have never seen anything so small, helpless, and fragile. I thought you were going to die that moment you were born. I cried so loudly. I cried and cried and cried. I couldn't stop crying. Your daddy was crying too. The doctors told me I needed to calm down because Olivia still needed to be born. Olivia was born almost an hour later and she looked so much bigger. It gave us hope that maybe everything would be ok.

When I saw you in your incubators a few hours later I knew that you wouldn't die. I knew that you were fighters. You looked so small and helpless, but you also looked brave. And you were perfect...ten perfect little fingers, ten perfect tiny toes, cute button noses. Nothing so perfect could die. But in fact I was scared. So scared. I thought at least a million times, 'this can't be happening....this has to be just a bad dream.' I had never seen a baby hooked up to so many machines. I had never seen such a tiny baby. The fear I felt is really indescribable. I already loved you so much that I didn't know what I would do without you.

Deep down in my heart I know I didn't do anything to cause your early birth, but I can't help feeling guilty. My body got rid of you too soon, before your little bodies were ready. And you both had to suffer because of that. I will always wonder if there is something I could've or should've done to prevent this from happening. And for 124 days, I had to leave you in the hospital at the end of the day. How can a mother leave her newborn babies? Especially babies who are so tiny and so ill that they might not live to see tomorrow? In the beginning I could not help thinking how incredibly lonely you looked there in your incubators....so alone and so scared. You had no idea where you were or what was happening to you or why you suddenly felt so much pain. I felt so sorry for you. I just hoped that you knew I was there. Your eyes were still sealed shut, so I know you couldn't see me...but could you hear me, feel me, smell me? You weren't alone. I was there. I was there, but not enough. It was never enough. Holding you for 2 hours felt like 2 minutes. Leaving you at the end of the day was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and before I left I would already start waiting for tomorrow morning when I was coming back again to see you. Sometimes I stood there for an hour just looking at you one last time, trying to memorize everything about you, before I had the courage to leave. Every day as I left the hospital and sat on the bus to go home, I could feel a little wound forming in my heart. Today my heart is so full of scars from those first few months of your lives, but I feel like my scars are slowly healing with every smile, every touch, every laugh, every coo. And as I look at you today, it was all worth it. You both make me so happy and I cannot even begin to imagine life without you. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make sure you are never lonely and scared again....and that you will know with your whole heart how loved you are. That is the least I can do for all you've done for me.

Today is not supposed to be your birthday. It's only the beginning of spring and you should've been born at the end of July. But today IS your birthday and we will celebrate. Because you made it one year, you deserve to be honored in an enormous way. You fought a huge battle...a battle for your lives....and you both survived. You are amazing. In one year you have brought so much happiness and love to the world. You have overcome a million obstacles. To see you growing and learning to do things that could have or should have been impossible makes me so thankful every day. You almost died, but you didn't. I will spend the rest of my life trying not to take anything for granted, especially my children's lives. You have already taught me so much.

I know this day will get easier for me in the future, but don't be surprised if I always get a bit teary on your birthday. You can ask your dad, 'Daddy, why is mommy always crying on our birthday?' And I'm sure he will answer, 'It's just because she loves you so much.' I guess that really is the only reason. I love you, Sofia and Olivia....and I hope one day you will understand just how much. You both have a shirt that says 'I'm mommy's dream come true.' That you are....and so much more. Happy Birthday,my sweet little angels.