Overflowing

Somedays, like today, my heart is so overflowing with emotions that the excess comes out as tears. I have been crying all day. I'm not sad at all...just so touched and so thankful.

Today we had the girls' last developmental check at the hospital where they spent the first 2 months of their lives. I've always enjoyed going there to see the doctors and nurses, but of course there are a lot of other emotions hovering under the surface.

We saw the head of the NICU in the hallway as we arrived. I always feel like running up to give that wonderful man a big bear hug every time I see him. I feel like crying. I feel like asking what I can do to say thank you. He was the one who came and sat next to my bed to talk with me right before the girls were born. He was the one who took care of the girls right after they were born. He is the man who saved my babies' lives. I don't even really know him, but I feel like I do. And I also feel like I would like to do something...ANYTHING...that could properly show the amount of gratitude I feel every day for him and for his colleagues. I sent a Christmas card last year, I have said thank you every time I have seen him, and now I made this picture for the hallway of the NICU (to join all the other ones there):




But I feel like it's not enough. I have to hope that he knows how appreciated he is. I hope he will know that he will be in our thoughts every single day for the rest of our lives. I have to hope that just by loving my girls the way I do that I am properly thanking him for what he did.

*Sniff*

We also saw one of our favorite nurses today. She has always been so amazed and happy to see how the girls have grown....and the girls seem to recognize her too, which is extremely touching. Today was possibly the last time we will see her (at least in a long time) because the girls will no longer have their developmental check-ups in the NICU. I have always been really happy to see this nurse, but for some reason today I burst into tears. I told her in Finnish and through my tears that I hope she knows what great work she does....that our girls are so wonderful and we are so happy....that we are thankful every single day to her and to the hospital. She started crying as well and gave me a big hug. And even my strong and brave husband had tears in his eyes. It just feels so stupid to say thank you when I want to say so much more. There aren't enough words...there aren't the right words. How do you say thank to someone who made you feel so welcome in the scariest of environments...who gave you the courage to touch your fragile babies...who sang lullabies to your babies in the middle of the night when you couldn't be there yourself....who performed life-saving procedures every day...who helped give you the beautiful, happy babies you have today?

I just wish there was something I could do.

Even though I feel that nothing I do would be enough to thank the doctors and nurses, I know that the collage of pictures will help a lot of parents. At least I know how much those pictures helped me. I looked at those pictures in the hallway every day I was at the hospital and they gave me hope. I saw that some of the babies had the same birthweight as the girls and they grew up to be big and healthy. I saw pictures of babies who looked as small and helpless as the girls and later had chubby rosy cheeks and looked so happy. The pictures gave me hope that someday....someday....the girls would be big, they would be home, they would be without tubes and wires, they would be so adorably cute, they would be HAPPY. Those pictures gave me hope when I had very little else to hold on to. I hope the pictures of my 2 little angels will give the same kind of hope to other parents.

Oh, and I forgot to mention the check-up itself. It was fabulous. The girls were really happy and doing all sorts of tricks for the doctors. They were able to do all the tasks they were asked to do. Olivia is still not rolling over and can't get up to standing by herself yet, so we will have a therapist coming to visit us at home a few times, but the doctors weren't concerned. Both girls are progressing all the time, but Olivia (understandably) at a bit slower pace than Sofia. But she's progressing. All the time. And besides the standing, Olivia is able to do all of the other things that Sofia does. Olivia is also above the average for height and weight (according to her adjusted age of 1 year, 2 months). The doctors were very pleased with everything and shared a lot of smiles with us today.

It was just a really nice day. :) While of course I wouldn't have chosen to have happen to us what happened last year, it is part of the reason that I am so happy and so thankful today....and so in love with my children. There is always sunshine after the rain...

Growing up so quickly...

I just realized today how much the kids have changed in only a few short weeks. They seem to be learning new things every day and are starting to seem so big. I don't know why it always feels so scary to see your kids getting big. I actually love every day more than the last, but maybe that's just because I've been blessed with having one more day of them in my life. I know I'm going to miss their cute little baby faces though!

Matias is riding his bike like a pro now...and he loves it. He spent the first month walking next to the bike and pushing it, but once he started to pedal he wanted to do it every day.



Matias is also (*fingers crossed*) potty trained now. Like most (not all, but most) jobs involving raising kids, it really is up to the parents. So my advice to any new parents...if something's not working, take a good look at what YOU are doing. Sleeping schedules, eating schedules, potty training, etc....the parents are the ones who make it or break it. Once I really took the energy to take Matias to the potty chair every 30 minutes during the day (hard to do with 2 babies climbing all over me!) and reinforcing the whole underwear thing, it worked. No more accidents. That's been for one week now. I still put a diaper on when we go to the park or to the store, but the diapers are always dry when we get home. He even wakes up in the morning and from nap with a dry diaper, which is really exciting. He heads straight to the potty chair and takes off his own clothes as soon as he wakes up. I do kind of miss being woken up by Matias coming to snuggle with me in the morning, but I have to say it makes me laugh when I wake up like I did this morning....hearing someone shouting, 'Mommy, come and look at this HUGE kakka!' :)

Mr. Independent would be Matias's nickname for these last few weeks. He has to do everything by himself. Putting shoes on (the wrong feet, of course), emptying the potty chair into the toilet (and spilling, of course), wiping his own nose (and using 100 tissues every hour). Today he also put the cotton balls I had bought into the bathroom, because he knew that's where they go. I had to look ten minutes to find them. They were in the dryer....duh! Why didn't I think to look there first? ;) His 'helping' is causing a bit of extra work at the moment, but it's fun...and so funny.



The language is also cracking me up at the moment. When I told Matias I was so sorry that he had a cold, he said, 'No, it's not cold in here...let me check the temperature,' I had to laugh. When I explained to him that a saw is used to cut through things, he proceeded to saw my head and say, 'You no need to worry mommy. It's just a haircut,' I cracked up. Once when Matias wanted me to carry him home from the park (Tero was pushing the stroller), I told him he needed to walk to the blue sign (the pedestrian sign) and then I would pick him up. Now every time he sees that blue sign, he says, 'That's the carry you sign...now you can carry me, mommy!' I've explained at least 50 times that that's not what that sign means, but he can't seem to break the connection. I can't think of any other examples just at this moment, but there are hundreds. And they happen every day. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this age.



The girls are also growing up so much. Sofia is walking from side to side while holding onto furniture. Olivia can stand up, but isn't quite able to get up to the standing position by herself yet. Both girls wave bye bye, play peek-a-boo, and clap their hands when I say, 'Yay!' They are both trying to talk a lot too. Sofia actually repeats almost every sound we say to her, so I think she's going to be a talker! The girls have also started interacting a lot more with each other. Once in awhile they just look at each other and start laughing. Or when they're in their highchairs, they hold hands. They also like to 'explore' the other's face by poking the eyes, ear, etc. Olivia's thing seems to be dancing. She waves her arms around in the air whenever she hears any kind of music...even if I just hum or whistle something. And Sofia's thing seems to be laughing....or maybe it's more like giggling. It's kind of like a fake laugh, but so adorably cute that you'll do silly things 100 times just to hear it over and over.













Don't get me wrong, the kids are a handful (if you saw a video of my day, I think you would just see me as a sweaty blur running past the screen), but they are also just so amazingly wonderful. I was thinking today how great it is that they are all so different and all so special in their own way. I couldn't imagine life without them and I wouldn't trade them for anything...although I could maybe loan them for a few hours. ;)

Standing!

I'm sure as everyone watches their child or children learn to do something for the first time, their heart swells with love and pride. I remember how I felt when Matias learned to smile, said his first word (mama :)), stood up, and took his first steps. It's amazing to watch your baby grow and learn new things every day. It's bittersweet to watch your baby turn into a child. I still get tears in my eyes when I look at the pictures of Matias's 'firsts'.

Then there are the girls. Amazing, but in a totally different way. Love, happiness, pride, joy, and a huge dose of *relief* as every new skill is learned.

When your babies start crawling around and standing up after you've spent days, weeks, and months wondering if they are going to spend their lives in a wheelchair....words cannot explain the feeling.

Some people might wonder why I keep dwelling on the fact that the girls were preemies. Well, the fact is that they are still preemies. It's not a condition that goes away. They are doing well and learning all the things they should be learning (perhaps at a bit slower pace than what is considered 'average'), but they have had to work harder than most babies in order to do this. Life has not been easy for them. I will dwell in the fact that my babies are miracles, because they are and always will be. Every single thing they do is amazing.

Olivia's Day at the Hospital

One Happy Baby

As most of you know, Olivia had a visit to the ear doctor at the end of June. The hearing tests gave unclear results for the 4th time, and after a thorough examination the doctor had reason to believe that she would benefit from getting tubes put in her ears. The doctor thought that her right ear might be ok, but that she has at least some hearing loss in her left ear. This has been somewhat suspected all along, but now the doctors have informed us now that something is definitely wrong with the structure of the inside of her ear. This was of course sad news for us, although we were warned over a year ago that the medicines Olivia was being given to stay alive could possibly affect her hearing. At that point nothing else mattered. Slight hearing loss is not a big deal in the whole scheme of things. And after all of the battles Olivia has already won in her short life, I don't think something like a hearing aid would stop her from doing anything. :)

The procedure was scheduled for the end of July. Tero and I decided that I would be the one to go with her there (while Tero stayed at home with Sofia and Matias), even though I knew I might get emotional. Putting tubes is a very common procedure and I knew I didn't have to be worried, but somehow the thought of spending even one minute in the hospital with a scared baby seemed to be a lot for me to handle. Especially because it was Olivia. I knew I would cry, but I wanted to be there for her.

Olivia and I headed off on the bus at 6 a.m. on the morning of the procedure. She was really happy in spite of the early wake-up. A very friendly nurse greeted us at the hospital, and Olivia burst into tears as soon as she saw the white coat the nurse had on. Poor thing! I honestly don't know if she can remember her whole hospital experience, but sometimes it seems like it. I got tears in my eyes, because Olivia is not normally afraid of strangers at all. She was scared, and that made me sad.

I got to go into the operating room with Olivia and hold her while she was put to sleep. I tried to take many deep breaths so that I could stay strong for Olivia, but those operating rooms have such bad memories for me (miscarriage, emergency c-section with Matias, post-pregnancy complications, etc.) that just the atmosphere in the room made me tense up immediately. Olivia struggled so hard when they put the mask on her...screaming, kicking, thrashing her head, fighting to get free. I'm sure that anyone who sees their baby like this would find it hard not to cry. I tried to tell Olivia that everything was ok while I gulped down the biggest lump in my throat and tried to blink away the tears. As soon as she was almost out, I was quickly asked to leave the room. I felt so awful when I left. I knew she would be ok, but still felt horrible. I wanted to stay with her, I wanted to be there when she woke up, and most of all I didn't want her to be scared and alone. I looked for the nearest bathroom, locked the door, and cried until the lump in my throat was gone.

Since I hadn't had breakfast, I went to the cafe to get a snack and some coffee. I wrote some text messages to Tero to let him know how everything was going. After only about 40 minutes, the nurses called me and said that I could go to see Olivia. She had woken up and she was really unhappy. I ran as fast as I could to the recovery room so I could hold her. She was crying a lot, but drifted back to sleep as soon as I held her. When she finally woke up completely, we took her back to her hospital room so she could have some food. She was pretty hungry after 15 hours of being without food! I fed her a small jar of baby food, played with her for awhile, and after about an hour the nurse said I could try to feed her some lunch. As she was eating, I noticed that she had a red mark under her eye. By the time lunch was over, I noticed the mark was turning a deeper shade of red. Not knowing what it was, I went down the hallway to ask the nurse about it. During the short walk down the hallway, half of her face had turned bright red. The nurse was alarmed and called a doctor to ask about the situation. During the phone call, Olivia's forehead and the other half of her face started turning bright red. Her whole head suddenly looked puffy. The nurses started getting really worried in case it would go to her throat and compromise her breathing, so they had 3 different doctors on the phone giving advice. It seemed that they didn't have the right kind of medicine there, so I would need to take Olivia to the emergency room at the Children's Hospital. Thankfully one of nurses was told that we could try one allergy medicine that they had there. As soon as we got it into Olivia's mouth, she vomited everything out. The nurses got back on the phone again and were given permission to give another medicine. This one stayed down and after 5 minutes, the rash started fading. Phew! The doctors were pretty sure that it was an allergic reaction to the anesthesia, so hopefully she won't have to go through that again.

The rest of the day went really well (although it was LONG) and we got permission to go home just before dinner. It was a nice surprise, because the doctors had warned us that with Olivia's condition it would be likely that we would have to stay overnight in the hospital for monitoring.

Since the surgery, Olivia has changed a lot. She seems happier and a lot more alert. She's also moving more and making all sorts of different sounds that she never made before. She just has a little sparkle in her eye that wasn't there before. I'm not sure if the tubes are helping her hearing (or even her general well-being) but we are hopeful. Her hearing will be tested again this fall, so we'll find out more then. Fingers crossed for the bravest little girl on the block!

Our 'Holiday'

In the beginning of July we took an 8-day trip...our first big family vacation. We knew it would be an adventure, and we were right. :) It was definitely not the kind of relaxing and lounging around kind of holiday like most people think of when they hear the word 'vacation'. It was fun though. Fun to have a change of scenery, fun to be able to take the girls out in public without worrying (too much) about illnesses, fun to watch Matias's face when we saw new and exciting places, fun to just be together as a family. Olivia learned to crawl during the trip, Sofia learned how to wave, and Matias learned how to tell really long (and funny) stories to total strangers. (I'm totally sure the guy sitting next to us in the restaurant wanted to hear about how we pump up Matias's Thomas the Train bed every night before he sleeps and how drive into the boat so that we can go to Leppävaara. The poor guy didn't have a clue was Matias was talking about. :))

And the tough part: lugging 3 baby beds and various suitcases in and out of the car every night and morning (and 3 small kids!); trying to deal with 3 grumpy and tired babies in a restaurant every evening; having to stop every half an hour because someone had a poopy diaper; losing hats, shoes, etc., and having to retrace our steps to find missing items (we're only down one hat after the trip!); washing bottles, porridge bowls and baby spoons in the hotel sink every night. Having fun is hard work! Tero and I had a motto for our 'vacation' about 2 days into it: 'Being at home is hard work, but it's a whole lot easier than this.' Totally true, but we're also really glad that we went. I don't think you can appreciate the ease of daily life at home until you get a taste of something else. And really, the kids were actually very well behaved. I think the girls had a few difficulties just because they aren't used to so much change every day after being basically only at home. And sometimes Matias was just a bit tired. But there were no major embarrassing meltdowns or anything. It could've been a whole lot worse. :)

We saw some really great (and beautiful) places on the trip and would love to go back again someday...but maybe when the kids are older. ;)

An overview of our trip:

Day 1- Drove to Naantali, Finland to visit Muumimaailma (Moominworld). Great fun! Matias was a bit shy when he met the Muumi characters, but talked about it afterwards like it was the best thing EVER. I definitely recommend this place to anyone in Finland who has small children.

Muumi Mama saying hi to Matias

Matias concentrating on a game in the Muumi house

Matias and Mommy

The next day we had to leave the hotel at 7 a.m. to go catch the ferry that would take us to Stockholm, Sweden.

Daddy and Olivia cuddling after naptime

Peek-a-boo, Sofia!

3rd day- drove to Kolmården Zoo and spent the day there. Stayed the night in a hotel in Nörkkoping and had the nice surprise of finding out that the hotel room was as big as our home. :) The kids had lots fun there...and Olivia learned how to crawl on her knees!

Matias trying to feed a rock to the goat :)

That's better!

The cutest little monkey put on quite a show for us

Matias enjoying the zoo

Always need an ice cream break!

A HUGE playpark at the zoo

Mother bear nursing her cubs...so sweet!


Olivia crawls!

4th day- drove to the island of Öland and arrived at our LOVELY hotel.

5th day- a day at the beach in northern Öland

Loving the sand




Sofia the princess refusing to let her feet touch the ground. :)


At the northernmost tip of Öland


A quick stop to see some castle ruins

6th day- a day hanging out near the hotel, checking out the shopping mall, etc.

Sofia waves to Matias


7th day- drive back to Stockholm to catch the evening ferry


Matias loved watching the elevator go up and down outside our cabin window



8th day- arrived in Helsinki in the morning and then home sweet home!

As you can see from the pictures, we did have a lot of fun. Just wondering where next years's summer holiday will take us!

Our First 'Family of Five' Cottage Visit

A few weeks ago we headed off to spend the weekend at the cottage. This was girls' first night away from home EVER (not counting the hospital, of course), which meant that this was my first time packing for a family of 5. Yikes! I think the packing took longer than the drive there. With babies it seems you always need a lot of 'what if' stuff. What if it rains? What if it's really cold? What if they get sick? Not to mention all the normal things babies need like blankets, diapers, bottles, baby food, bibs, sleeping buddies, toys, etc. We had about 5 huge bags of stuff in the back of our van, along with 3 travel beds and 5 bags of groceries. And this was just for 2 days and nights. :)

It was such a great trip though. Matias has been talking about the cottage ever since we left and asking when we can go back. He loved the boat, loved all the space to run around, loved just being outside all the time. Besides the enormous amount of mosquitoes, it was perfect. Sun, grilled sausages, fresh potatoes, sauna, and swimming in the lake.

Hanging out in the pool...the water was a bit cold at first!



Oh dear...at least she didn't cry!





Soaking up the sun



Enjoying the view



Matias loves to help



Captain Matias





Everybody loved Matias's inflatable Thomas bed



Funny how their positions are exactly the same!



All of the kids took a bath in the same tub during their first cottage trip...

Matias in June 2009 (6 months old)



Sofia and Olivia (1 year, 3 months....11 months adjusted)




One of the best things about the cottage (at least in my opinion)was that the kids slept so well and so long. I was amazed. They normally wake up at home around 6.30 nowadays, but at the cottage nobody made a peep until 8.30. And this was on both mornings. It must be all the fresh air!

Olivia looking super sweet first thing in the morning...



We'll be going back to the cottage in a few weeks and I'm already looking forward to it. Nothing says summer like time at the cottage. :)