My Dear Matias

Matias Onni Miikki, 5 days old


In a few days Matias will be 18 months old and on Saturday will become a big brother when Sofia comes home, so this blog post is for him. Our big baby has become a big boy and man, has the time gone quickly. In spite of some very minor difficulties along the way which have usually passed in a matter of days, Matias has been the most wonderful boy I could've ever imagined. I waited 32 years to have a baby, and he has honestly been my dream come true. When I heard him cry for the first time, I cried buckets. It was the moment that I actually realized that there was indeed a baby in my stomach (funny that my stomach was ginormous and I still didn't believe there was really a baby in there :)) and that I was finally a mom. The love I felt when I first saw his scrunched up face and little nose was indescribable. I will never forget that moment. I was so happy and so excited for the future.

I didn't know it was possible to love somebody so much. Matias makes me smile 100 times a day, at least. And when I'm away, just thinking about him makes me smile. I don't know how I would've survived these last 3 months without him. When I go to pick him up from daycare, I almost have to run because I am so excited to see him. Every night when he goes to bed, Tero and I smile and tell each other how nice he is or how cute it was when he did this or that. It never gets old.

When I look back at Matias's baby pictures, part of me feels sad that he's not a baby anymore. But the other part of me thinks that each day is more fun than the last. Seeing Matias learn new things, actually 'playing' with toys, talking up a storm, flirting with the cashiers at the store, laughing at his own tricks....he just makes us laugh. He is a nice boy, a good boy, a calm boy, a happy boy. When I ask him, 'who loves Matias' he answers, 'mama'...and it melts my heart every time. With the hugs, kisses, squeezes, and cuddles he gets every day, he definitely knows he is loved. And that makes me happy. :)

I have felt really bad for him these past months with so many changes in his life and for having a very stressed out mommy, but he has probably handled it better than I have. There are a lot more changes coming for all of us, but I hope that we can all keep holding hands and get through this together. I hope he will not feel ignored and left out when his sisters come home and I hope that he will always know just how very important and special he is to me....and always will be.

A few pictures from the cottage last weekend...our last weekend as 'the 3 of us'

On the way there, Matias's first time at McDonald's


Ready for a boat ride


Captain Matias


Mosquito nets are fun!


Not so sure about having dirty hands


Testing the water


Finnish summer


Mud


Time to go home (with a few mosquito bites as souvenirs)

One month to go

Sweet Sofia


Our miracle Olivia



After 11 weeks of hospital life, it looks like the countdown is getting near. Only one month until the due date, which is approximately when the girls could be coming home. I can count the number of weeks on one hand! :) In some ways these weeks have gone by really quickly, but in other ways I can't even remember what my life was like before this all happened.

Matias has been sick all week and Tero and I had quite bad sore throats yesterday. Our vitamins seem to be doing the trick though, because today we woke up feeling almost normal. We went to visit the girls and it was a really nice and calm day. Both girls are drinking from a bottle and breastfeeding so we got to feed them (Tero did one job, me the other :)), and Tero also gave Sofia a bath. He was pretty nervous about a small and slippery baby, but it went really well.

One skill to learn before coming home!


Eyes on daddy



Not too much other news this week. Things are....going. Slowly but surely we are on the final leg of the hospital journey. Better get rested up now because the real journey hasn't even started yet. :)

Need some bigger shirts soon for my big girls to fit in!


Left the girls a foot apart and when we returned this is what we found...

2 kilos!

Telling secrets or giving kisses...I'm not sure which!


Looking cute and cozy



I'm so happy that this week has started out well. Thank goodness, because I don't think I could handle another week like the last one. The girls are gaining weight quite quickly now (already 2 kilos each!!!) and the carbon dioxide levels are down. They are spending more and more time with the nasal canula and hardly need any additional oxygen. The nurse today said she thinks it will only be a few weeks until they come home. Weeks....not months. :)

A new doctor came in to visit us during the weekend when Tero and I were each holding a baby in our shirts. I don't know if the scene was touching or if she was just really moved by the story, but she had tears in her eyes and a lump in her throat. She had just read over the birth story and was quite surprised when she saw the condition the girls are in. She said that they are really little miracles. She also said in most cases she has seen with twins born so early, one of the babies usually doesn't make it. We knew the girls were in critical condition in the beginning, but it's only from the comments we keep hearing now from the doctors that we're realizing how close it really was. I don't think we even let ourselves consider that they wouldn't make it because...well, we just didn't. It didn't happen, our girls have been strong and brave, and we are so extremely thankful for that.

The girls are really loving to be back together again. They were separated all last week when Olivia was so sick, but are now snuggling all the time. Even if we lay them down with quite a bit of space in between, they gradually end up right next to each other. They love being held too. When Tero or I hold the girls, they are usually awake in the beginning but then fall asleep. Once in awhile their eyes will open just enough that they can check we're still holding them, then they'll close their eyes again and smile. I don't think the smile is just a coincidence because it happens every time. :)

So happy together...


I need to enjoy today because it's one of the (rare) days that I'm feeling so happy. I hope and pray every day that the girls will keep growing bigger and stronger because we are so ready to bring them home.

Matias practicing for his upcoming role as BIG brother :)

Courage and patience

Good morning, Sofia!



Phew....that's all I can say after the week we've had. Courage and patience ran out sometime during the week, but we're glad to finally welcome them back into our lives today. :)

I mentioned in the last blog that the move to Jorvi was a bit scary and that we were missing the NICU. Well, it turned into a nightmare. Jorvi is a good hospital and the nurses are all trying their best I'm sure, but as parents who have already been through ten weeks of heartache it's easy to be picky. The nurses were doing everything so different from what the babies were used to, and the doctor was too. Some of the nurses in charge of our babies were even students. Many of the nurses seemed quite nervous and were very jumpy every time the oxygen saturation alarms would go off. Some of them were shaking the baby and talking in a loud voice to wake the baby up every time there was even a small saturation dip (I'm used to those dips because they happen ALL the time, and usually correct themselves in a few seconds). Sleep is one of the most important things for the babies right now and I think it might be a bit hard to get good sleep if someone is coming in the room and shaking you every 5 minutes. They still have a paper system at that hospital and nurses had been forgetting to write certain things down...critical information like how long an apnea had lasted. One nurse even told me that Sofia had lost 70 grams one morning when she had actually gained 30. During the weekend there were some different doctors who have no experience with premature babies and their behavior and comments frightened us. After thinking that the move to Jorvi was a step closer to coming home, we saw our girls' health drastically declining. Olivia was back on a ventilated CPAP (a machine that pumps air through a mask), which she hadn't needed for weeks and weeks. And Sofia was back on a normal CPAP even though she had mostly been on the nasal canula with only 21% oxygen (same as room level). Carbon dioxide levels were above ten when they had previously been around 7 (normal is 6). The girls' lung medicine was doubled, antibiotics were started, the girls looked pale and sick, they were both having more and more apnea spells (no breathing and extremely low pulse), some nurse telling me that the girls would be here for months (when we thought only weeks), and the doctor said the next step would be for Olivia to go back on the ventilator. Olivia was vomiting, having green stuff in her stomach, and was sleeping all the time (I haven't seen her awake in 5 days). The doctor also told me, 'your girls' lungs will never be good.' Tero and I were worried sick. Every day that we went in to see the girls, some new problem seemed to have appeared. I was crying almost constantly and every day when I called Tero to tell what had happened, he dropped everything at work and came to support me. We couldn't sleep, we couldn't breathe....we felt scared sick. Scared that our babies were in danger. Scared that someone was going to 'ruin' our babies.

We have had several long discussions with the doctor in charge. She's actually a really nice lady and she listened to our concerns with an open mind. She apologized for everything that has happened. She agreed with everything we said and she admitted that this hospital does not have so much experience with these small babies who have BPD (the chronic lung disease). Maybe ten babies in a year. Didn't exactly make us feel better. Tero called the head of the NICU in Lastenklinikka (where we were before) and he is actually looking over what Jorvi is doing with these small babies. He is in contact with them often, supports them with their decisions, and even comes for visits. That is reassuring. And the last few days there have been only older and experienced nurses taking care of our babies. They are much calmer and they aren't shaking the babies anymore. So they are listening to us. The girls seemed to be feeling better today too and the carbon dioxide levels were down. Things seem to be going in the right direction again....and without the help of any ventilators. :)

I think the worst thing about this week was just seeing all of the progress of the last few weeks wiped away. Thinking that the girls are coming home soon and then seeing them in a worse condition than they were even 6 weeks ago...it felt like all of that progress was just wiped away. And we are tired. So tired. The doctor even told Tero today that if the mom is always on the verge of tears, it means she maybe needs to take a step back to recharge her batteries. I have still had complications from the pregnancy and was in the hospital myself again earlier this week, so it has just been too much. Thank goodness those problems seem to be resolving now too.

And good news...because there is good news too. :) Sofia has been practicing drinking from a bottle and also breastfeeding. She has been able to drink 10 ml from a bottle and got 4ml today from breastfeeding, so she is a strong little baby! The girls both weigh more than 4 pounds now, so they are more than triple their birth weight. Amazing. Hoping that this next week is a bit more peaceful than the last.

My chubby little Sofia

The Next Chapter

Olivia just before her big move...


I never thought I would say that I'm sad about leaving the NICU, but I am. Actually, I'm really sad. I have gotten so used to that place during these 9 weeks and in some strange way it was comforting. Comforting to know all the nurses (I'm really missing them), comforting to see how well the girls were taken care of, comforting to know all the routines. It's hard to start over again. The new hospital the girls are in is ok, but it's not 'intensive' care anymore. It feels a bit scary that they are in a room alone, without a nurse constantly watching over them. Of course the girls are still hooked up to monitors that will alert the staff if something is wrong, but...well, it's just not the same. Tero and I are both feeling a bit unsure of this new situation.

I also saw something yesterday that made me realize some other challenges this new phase might bring. As I was leaving, I saw a nurse sitting in a rocking chair, bottle-feeding one of the babies. And of course I started crying. I know it's great (and important) that the nurses will help teach them how to drink from a bottle, etc., but I want to be the one feeding my babies. It's different when the milk came from a tube and there was nothing I could really do, but when someone gets to cuddle with my babies and give them their bottles....I feel jealous and very very sad. I want to be there 24 hours a day, but I know that I can't and someone else will get to feed them and rock them to sleep. I should be happy...the girls are still getting very good care and every day they are closer and closer to coming home. I guess this will just take some getting used to.

On a more positive note, the girls ARE in the same hospital now and in the same bed. They both managed the move to the new place, but it will take them a few days to recover from such a big trip. Once they do recover, the growth should really start speeding up. I know I always get my hopes up quite easily, but the nurse today did say that the girls could possibly be ready a week or two before their due date. So that means once July hits, it could be any day. And July is only a few weeks away. Ok, we can do this. :)

The girls' new bed (and yes, they are there under the covers :))




Olivia, sleeping as usual :)


Everything is almost ready for the girls at home too. Last weekend we bought a twin stroller and on Friday we bought a 'family car' that will fit all 3 car seats as well as the strollers in the back. And most importantly, the closets and drawers are full of girly girly clothes. Sometimes I just open the drawers and breathe in all the pink to give me energy to get through the day. :))

The Big Move

Sofia's last snuggle with her sister for a few days...


Ok, so after crying A LOT and having a major problem accepting the fact that Sofia would be moving to the next hospital alone, I got some really good news this morning. As soon as they saw me, the nurses smiled and said that Olivia will possibly be joining her sister already on Friday. Two days we can definitely handle. Phew! :)


The move went really well. Sofia had an apnea just as we were leaving (maybe she was trying to tell us that she didn't want to leave her sister!), but otherwise everything went as planned. I was lucky enough to get to travel in the ambulance with her and get her settled in her new home.

Getting ready to leave...


Bye!


In the ambulance


The first thing the doctor said when she saw Sofia was, 'onpas hyvä näköinen ihminen' (what a nice looking person). :)) She was amazed that Sofia is almost triple her birthweight and already has chubby cheeks. She said that she looks really healthy and seems to be doing very well considering how she entered the world.

Tero and I took Matias to visit Sofia tonight in her new home, and for the first time he is starting to seem really interested. I was holding Sofia and he came to touch her and say, 'moi' (hi). He also said 'baby' many times and looked quite interested every time Sofia made some noises. When I changed her diaper and a huge poo came with a loud squirt, Matias got scared and started crying. Things should be really interesting when the babies come home. :)

Sofia relaxing after her big day