A Recipe For Disaster (The Best and Worst Peanut Butter Recipe of All Time)

Ok, so a few days ago I found a great recipe for peanut butter chocolate bars. With a combination like peanut butter and chocolate you can hardly go wrong. The base was like a gigantic peanut butter cookie. Add a thin layer of peanut butter, then chocolate frosting on top. Yum.  Double yum.  Here's the link if you want to try:

http://jamiecooksitup.net/2012/09/lunch-lady-peanut-butter-oatmeal-chocolate-bars-4/

My kids have never tried any peanut or nut products. At least one of my brothers is allergic to peanuts and his kids have food allergies too. Another brother had to have an epi pen with him because of his severe reaction to bee stings. I had pretty major allergies as a kid (though not to peanuts) and got an allergy shot every week for 3 years. Plus I have asthma and it runs in both my family and Tero's. I didn't want to risk an allergic reaction that I knew could be possible. I have also read that it's best to wait until your child is at least 3 years old before giving them peanuts if allergies run in the family, so I followed this advice since I was a bit nervous about it anyway.

Since Matias doesn't seem to have any food allergies at this point (or the girls either for that matter...we eat everything!), Tero and I decided that giving Matias just one bite of my yummy peanut butter cookies would be a good way to test if he's allergic or not. I told Matias that, since this was the first taste of a new food, he should let me know if he feels funny in any way after eating it.

About 2 minutes after eating the bite he told me that his tongue was itchy. Then his nose was suddenly really runny and he had a few red spots around his mouth.  Within 10-15 minutes he got a really bad cough. He was coughing constantly. He also sounded wheezy (a sound I know well since I had asthma as a kid).  A few minutes into the coughing and he said his stomach hurt, then he got such a huge coughing attack that he vomited all over the floor. I decided to give him some of Olivia's old asthma medicine because I wasn't sure what else to do. After that, the breathing sounded a bit better for about an hour.  It was about 8 p.m. at this point.  Matias was resting in my lap on the couch, then went to the bathroom. When he came back he said, 'Look at my eye, mommy.' One of his eyes was totally swollen shut. He was starting to get little hives all over his body that looked like mosquito bites. Tero called the nurse hotline and asked what we should do. They asked him if Matias had hives on his neck and Tero answered that yes, they are everywhere....especially upper body at this point. The hives grew rapidly in size and started turning quite red. Matias was itching like crazy. The nurse told him to hang up immediately and call 112 (that's 911 for you American folks).

The ambulance came in about 5 minutes and 3 EMTs came into our living room. You could see the look of pity on their faces when they saw Matias and his swollen little body. Both of his eyes were almost swollen shut now and everything was puffy and bright red, even his ears and nose. They started taking his temperature, blood pressure, checking his throat and ears,etc., etc. and were asking Tero and I some questions.  I suddenly got choked up and had to excuse myself to the kitchen for a few seconds.  I didn't want Matias to see me cry.  I think it was a combination of the whole situation being a bit shocking and scary, plus the memories of the last time I saw EMTs rushing around (when I was about ready to give birth to the girls), and the fact that Matias was as calm as could be and doing everything these strange people in red suits were asking him to do. I was so proud of him- my brave little boy!  I hope I can learn to bit a bit tougher, because I really don't want to cry in front of my kids in these situations when they are suffering.  (If anyone knows how to do that, please let me know! :)

Although they reassured us that Matias was stable, the rash was getting worse all the time and they said we have to come to the hospital by ambulance. I put some clothes on Matias, grabbed my purse, and off we went. Something smelled really bad in the ambulance and we discovered that Matias had stepped in a big pile of dog poop. His shoe was covered. One of the EMTs wiped it off as best as she could, but when Matias said, 'We stink to high heaven,' he was just about right. :)  That was definitely not a nice bonus to the long evening ahead. 
  



Welcome to Jorvi- unfortunately a very familiar place to us
 

When we got to the hospital, Matias got to see the doctor almost immediately. He got a shot of adrenaline and also some cortisone. We were told that we needed to wait at least 6 hours to make sure the food got out of his system. The reaction can get better, but then get worse again as long as the food is in the system.  It was about 11 p.m. by this point and we were told that there were no beds available....we would have to just sit in a chair in the waiting room (which was completely full of coughing kids and crying babies). Thankfully Matias was happy to play there and he seemed to be feeling a bit better. We were STARVING though, and the receptionist told us there was no place to get food.  Thankfully a nice nurse brought us to a side room and gave Matias a few cookies and a juice box.
 

Matias feeling better and looking less swollen after his first adrenaline shot

Around 1 p.m. there was finally one bed open in one of the ER side rooms, so Matias and I laid down together and tried to rest. Matias fell right asleep, but I was too wound up to sleep. Plus, there were 2 other beds in the room so the lights were on and there were parents talking, kids coughing, and nurses coming and going to do blood tests, give breathing treatments, etc. for those other kids. At 2 p.m. a doctor came to wake Matias up check his skin. The eye swelling had gone down a bit, but he was still very hot and red all over. His body was literally one big, puffy hive. He got another adrenaline shot (this didn't go down too well with Matias after being woken up with only one hour of sleep) and then the doctors tried to put an iv. They were searching everywhere for the vein in his hand, and Matias was SCREAMING. He had one inch of needle in his hand being moved all around and it really hurt. The doctors were unsuccessful, so they tried his other hand. Also unsuccessful. Hearing Matias in pain and being exhausted myself was not a good combination and I had a really tough time holding back the tears.

Now it was 3 p.m. and they told us we would need to stay until the doctor's rounds in the morning. Unfortunately they didn't have any beds left in any of the wards, so they couldn't check us into our own room. The wait for the ambulance would be 2 hours to take us to Lastenklinikka, where they would have a bed for us. We decided it wasn't worth the hassle of transferring for only a few hours, so we just stayed in the ER in our tiny bed with the coughing kids next to us. Thankfully they went home about 4.30, so we got to sleep a bit after that. A nurse came to wake us up at 6.00 and 7.00 to check the rash, then at 7.30 they said we could go home. Phew! One very nice nurse gave Matias some stickers and chocolate and told him what a brave boy he was. He was really brave!  Even braver than his emotional mommy, I think. :) 

When we got home I asked him to tell Tero what the best thing about the hospital was.  I thought he would definitely say the ambulance ride or the taxi ride home.  His answer was: 'the chocolate.'  The worst thing: 'the peanut butter.'  I found that really sweet, because I think he totally understood why he had to go to the hospital.  I just feel so bad for giving him a bite of that cookie!  Matias definitely knows that he needs to say 'no' when somebody offers him anything with the word peanut in it! 

We are back to normal now, besides Matias still being a bit tired and having some purple marks remaining from where the worst of the rash had been (stomach and upper thighs).  He will now have to get allergy tests at the allergy and asthma hospital and we need to have an epi pen with us in case this happens again. Hopefully it won't! At least I know that I won't be offering him any sort of nut products for a VERY long time....if ever. Hopefully he won't be so severely allergic to other things as well.

So that was our little peanut story. It seems that excitement and drama are never lacking in our little family. :)

Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for take-off!

Since moving to Finland 12 years ago, I have managed to make it back home every year. Until 3 years ago. If you look at the picture, you can maybe guess why. :)

We traveled to Montana with baby Matias in June of 2009 and that was the last visit until this summer. Three years without family, without home. Three of the most difficult years of my life. I got pregnant with the girls in the late fall of 2009 and dealt with some pretty awful morning sickness (actually all-day sickness). Then there was the early birth and trauma of 2010. Then sick babies at home and the craziness of 3 kids under the age of 3 and 3 in diapers. Phew. It was a rough 3 years.

Now since life is so easy and calm (ha ha! :)), we decided we HAD to make the trip back this summer. Plus my little brother was getting married. :)

Lots to talk about, so I'll try to organize my thoughts about the trip here:

Super-friendly Americans

I love Finland and Finnish people, but I have to admit that Finns in general are sometimes a bit quiet. They kind of mind their own business and don't go out of their way to talk to strangers. I have become quite used to this after living here so long and it hasn't bothered me, but during this trip I realized how nice it is to have people coming up and talking to you, smiling at you, going out of their way to help you. Or maybe that just happens when you have 3 little monkeys running around making you look like you need some help. :) During our first 24 hours, I think more than 50 people made nice comments to us about the kids. Some of the comments we heard: 'Oh, how cute!' (like 30 times) or 'Looks like you've got your hands full!' or 'Are they triplets?' or 'Wow, here come the troops!'' Or like one kind lady in the New York airport came up and said to me while I was standing alone with all the kids (Tero was in the bathroom), 'I just have to say that if you are by yourself you are really someone special.' That made me laugh. I don't think it would be possible to travel alone with these guys...yet. Soon maybe, but not yet. Still waiting for Santa to bring me that third arm. :)

3 kids on a plane

This was something I was scared to death about. About 3 weeks before the trip I started having trouble sleeping because I was imagining all the worst-case scenarios. Our kids are wonderful and perfect and everything (ha ha!), but they can get pretty darn cranky sometimes. The crankiness also seems to be contagious (mommy and daddy are not immune either!) and 3 cranky kids are more than a handful. It's not pretty!

I actually wasn't too worried about Matias, because a 3.5-year-old has enough concentration to watch cartoons/play games and enough sense not run off into a crowd of people. Plus he was totally excited about going on an airplane and I knew he would be interested in everything that was happening around him. Two-year-olds on the other hand....well, they don't really listen yet. And they don't understand what these things called 'rules' are (rules like 'stay here and don't move while mommy and daddy are going through security'). They get scared of loud noises and new places. Naps are still super important and they will have extreme meltdowns (loud screaming included) without proper sleep. They also have about a 30-second concentration span. All of this combined is not a good combination for 20 hours of air travel! I spent a lot of money on travel toys and activities for the airplane. If they have new toys they'll sit still for 20 hours, right? :)

All worrying proved to be a waste because the kids were perfect. Really perfect. Honestly, they were. I was surprised at how smoothly everything went. I don't know if we just got lucky or if the timing of the flights was good or if the whole thing was just so exciting that they were on their best behavior. I was so proud of them!  It was of course a bit busy managing the kids and all of their stuff, but they were happy campers. No meltdowns or temper tantrums. No vomiting or major spills. No crying. It was actually almost enjoyable! The kids all took a little nap and played nicely from Helsinki to New York. Then in the New York airport, after an 8-hour flight, they were running around and laughing like crazy (and it was midnight for us!). They slept the almost the whole way from New York to Seattle, so that was easy. :) The jet lag was a bit crazy, but can't blame them for being mixed up when you almost completely switch their daytime and nighttime around.

Home Sweet Home

I have discussed this with a lot of friends, and it seems that it's quite common for people to miss home a whole lot more once they have their own kids. That's how I feel. Seeing the kids playing with their cousins was priceless. Seeing the kids sitting with their great grandparents was soooo nice. Seeing the mountains of Montana was breathtaking. Seeing the kids playing with my old dolls and toys was something I have dreamed of since I was 5. I have really good memories of my childhood and I guess I want my kids to be able to understand and in a way share these memories with me....to know the people I knew, to see the places I saw, to eat the food I ate.

All dressed up in Griz gear at the University of Montana (mommy's university)

The worst thing about the trip was that it went way too quickly and we didn't get to spend as much time with people as we would've liked to. We did however get to celebrate at a reception with my brother and his new wife and also join my grandparents' 60-year anniversary barbecue. We saw the beautiful mountains of Glacier. We spent time hiking in the mountains and staying at a cabin with my dad. We saw at least 50 different relatives and had a variety of picnics, barbecues, etc. We spent time with my brother and his family in Great Falls. Tero and I got to have a bit of free time while Grandma Vicky took care of the kidlets. We went to a movie, went out to dinner, hiked the M, and even stayed one night in a hotel. This was my first night EVER without all the kids! Huge achievement!

One minor disappointment was that all of us had some sort of weird stomach bug while we were there. The girls took awhile to recover, but thankfully they were in good spirits and it didn't really put a damper on our plans....or our mood. Thank goodness for Pedialyte! It wasn't nice changing diapers and sheets at 3 in the morning, but it could've been worse too!

Even though practically everything about the trip was great, even the most simple things like playing at a park and going to Dairy Queen on a hot day, I think seeing the kids playing with their cousins was really the best part. And hugging my Grandpa. Oh, and Starbucks. :)

Hanging out with cousin Eli

Bedtime story with cousins Madeline and Emerson

Leaving home to go back home

It was so hard to leave because I wasn't quite ready to go yet. The weather was nice in Missoula (in the 90s most of the time we were there!) and going back to rainy, 60 degree weather in Finland didn't sound ideal. Saying goodbye to everyone was really hard, but at least I'm pretty sure it won't be 3 years before we see again. :)

We drove back to Seattle in one day, stayed a day in Seattle (and met my good friend Amy and her family at the zoo), then left our hotel at 4.30 the next morning to go to the airport. It seems that when you start the trip so early and are already tired, it's WAY harder to fly those 20 hours again. Or maybe it's just because going back home after a trip always seems to take longer. Or the kids were pretty grumpy, so it just felt like it took longer. In any case, the flights back were in no way as good as they had been on the way. Lots of whining, lots of crankiness, lots of restlessness, and very little sleep.  Only one or two kids slept at a time, so there was always someone up (and usually grumpy). You know when you look at the flight map to see your progress and it seems like you haven't moved a centimeter in over an hour? Or when you feel like you can't manage sitting in the plane any more and you see the plane barely even at the half-way point of an 8-hour flight? That New York to Helsinki flight was neverending. Man, I thought we'd never get back home. We made it though. We arrived at 9 in the morning, so that first day was pretty rough. Jetlag took about 5 days to get over, but we managed. We always manage. :)

We've been back for 2 weeks and I feel like the whole trip was somehow a dream. I'm still missing home and wish I could go back! Now that we are home though, there are of course many things I'm enjoying. Things like cooking and baking, Finnish strawberries, not having to live out of a suitcase, seeing friends....just being home.

Thanks to everyone who helped make our stay in Montana so so wonderful. We hope to see you again very soon!!!

Two Years, a Million Reasons to Celebrate

Sisters. Friends. Joy. Love. These are only a few of the thousand words this picture is worth. Even if you don't know what happened to these precious girls two years ago, this picture is touching. But then when you know their story, it makes it so much more special.  At least to me it does.  In my eyes, this picture is a celebration of life.

When Sofia and Olivia were born, they had only a 50% chance of survival. Their diapers were small enough to fit in the palm of my hand. Their hats were too small to fit on a tennis ball. Their eyes were sealed shut. They couldn't breathe, they couldn't eat, they couldn't regulate their body temperature. They laid alone in an incubator without feeling their mother's arms for more than 2 weeks. Olivia had heart surgery when she was only 3 days old.  She almost didn't make it....several times. The girls didn't get to see each other or touch each other for 6 weeks. They stayed 125 days in the hospital. Their poor little bodies suffered so much. There were a million 'what ifs' for the future....an unsure future. The minute these girls were born, they had to start a fight for their lives when they should've been safely in my womb for almost 4 more months.

Two years ago it was impossible to imagine this day.....today.  I could never have imagined my one pound babies would be walking, talking, running, laughing, climbing, dancing, singing.  I never imagined they would have pigtails in their hair. I never imagined how beautiful and happy they would be. I never imagined they would be this big. I couldn't even imagine the day when they would be 'normal'-sized babies. Of course I imagined all of these things when I knew I was pregnant with 2 little baby girls, but all of these images were wiped away once they were born. When tragedy strikes, it is impossible to imagine the future...especially a good one. It is overwhelming to imagine what might happen when the odds are against you.  It's scary to imagine that everything will be fine in the end, when you know it's quite possible that won't happen. When tragedy strikes, you live in the moment. Baby steps. One day at a time. One minute at a time. If things are good now, soak in the happiness and don't worry about what might happen tomorrow.

I have come to accept that April 3rd is not a day I will ever want to really celebrate. The girls came into a world they weren't ready for yet, and a world that wasn't quite ready for them. But their birth was the beginning of a story- a story that tells a journey of hope, faith, and love. I don't want to celebrate the actual day that the girls were born or how they were born, but I do want to celebrate the fact that they were brought into our lives. I want to celebrate their bravery, strength, and determination. I want to celebrate the doctors and nurses who took care of them and saved their lives. I want to celebrate the way they have changed our lives and taught us so much. I want to celebrate the way they have touched so many people's lives. I want to celebrate THEM. The world is a better place because of these two girls. There is so much to celebrate.

I heard about a necklace from another preemie mother...a necklace which says, 'You are worth it all.' It is so true. Sofia and Olivia, you are both worth it all. You are worth every single tear I shed during the difficult first months. You are worth every single minute of the 125 days I sat in the hospital with you. You are worth every single worry, every single sleepless night, every single doctor visit, every single way you have changed our lives. When I see you, I see more than just your cute and happy little faces. I see our journey together. That journey is more meaningful than any other journey I've been on and it is more beautiful than anything I could've ever imagined or wished for. You are so totally worth it all.

A very very happy birthday to my beautiful baby girls, who are so big now.  I love you so much....and if it's possible, every day just a little bit more. The song I sang to you while your weak little bodies were nestled inside my shirt is the same song I sing to you today:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

You make me happy when skies are gray.

You'll never know just how much I love you.

Please don't take my sunshine away.

From then......

 Until now....

These are my reasons to celebrate.

Preemie retreat

We were invited last fall to attend a retreat this February for families of children with BPD (a chronic lung condition caused by prematurity), and we were happy to accept.  So last week we spent 6 days in a retreat center basically in the middle of nowhere.  We were housed in a beautiful and modern 'design' house and spent our days in lectures and discussions while the kids all played together in a playroom full of babysitters.  All in all it was a great week...so nice to spend time together as a family, to get a change of scenery, to talk with people who completely understand our situation, and to let the kids get used to spending time with other caregivers than mommy and daddy.  We didn't learn too much that we didn't already know, but I thought I would share some tidbits of info and some new thoughts and feelings that came up.

We were given an article that had all of the most current statistics in Finland (which is, by the way, one of the best countries in the world in the care of premature babies) and the numbers made me realize again how very lucky we are.  Currently only .5% of babies born are under 1000 grams at birth.  Point 5 percent!  Nobody ever thinks something will happen to them if those are the odds. Quite a large percentage of these babies are not born alive, and quite a large percent of those that are born alive don't survive.  The actual amount of babies born in Finland who are less than 1000 grams and survive is .2% of all births. Talk about defying the odds!

Something new I learned is that premature babies as adults have a greater risk for heart and circulatory problems, as well as diabetes.  It's very important for them to lead a healthy lifestyle.

Studies have also shown that premature babies are really strong-willed, determined, and stubborn as small children (of course they are, the little fighters!), but as adults are calmer and aren't big risk-takers.  They tend to be early birds, loyal, conscientious, and in stable long-term relationships.  Not bad qualities at all. :)

As many people know, one of the biggest issues for preemies is their lungs.  The lungs are not ready to work outside the womb when babies are born 4 months early, so a ventilator is breathing for them for the first weeks/months of their lives.  Sofia and Olivia were on the ventilator for about 5 weeks.  The ventilator saved their lives but also permanently damaged their lungs.  Many preemies end up with BPD (bronchopulmonary dysplasia), which is a chronic lung disease.  We were reminded in several lectures that the girls' lungs will never be healthy lungs.  They will ALWAYS have BPD.  Their lung tissue is scarred.  The new tissue that has grown is healthy and fine, but that scarred tissue will always be there.  The girls will more than likely never be top athletes or be able to run marathons.  It makes me sad to hear that there is something my girls won't be able to do (especially if they would have a dream to do that), but with the odds they have already overcome I think anything is possible.  I don't think Sofia and Olivia will ever listen if someone tells them that they can't do something!

A lot of the other info was just basic facts that we have heard since Day 1.  The girls are likely to have developmental problems along the way.  Their development can be a bit delayed in both gross and fine motor skills, and learning problems will probably become evident only when they start school.  It is quite likely that Olivia will need speech therapy because she has low muscle tone in her face, as well as possible continued physical therapy.  Our road is not over, although I think we have passed most of the biggest bumps already.  The girls are alive and they can walk, they can talk, they can play, they can laugh, they can eat (a lot!) by themselves, they can give hugs...and they are happy.  They are so happy!

Tero and I would both wish that doctors will start studying more closely the cause of premature births.  The care for premature babies at this point is great, and of course it's important to keep developing that as much as possible...but it would be so good to stop premature births in the first place.  We were not given any information about what caused Sofia and Olivia to come so early, and I feel like nobody ever really investigated in detail.  I actually only had 3 health checks before the girls were born, which is very little considering a twin pregnancy is in any case a 'risky' pregnancy.  If a few more tests could be done throughout the earlier stages of pregnancy, then after a preemie is born the doctors can look back and see if they can find some kind of link between all of the mothers and their test results.  Afterwards, the mother of a preemie could be interviewed in a bit more detail about how the pregnancy went, how active she was, what kind of aches and pains she had, how sick she felt, etc.  Nobody asked me any of these things.  I'm pretty sure there is some reason, and not just bad luck.  It is frustrating to not have answers to such important questions and to just accept when the doctors say, 'We don't know.'

Talking about the preemie stuff all week was a bit emotional for me, so Tero and I had some pretty good disussions in the evenings. I feel nowadays that it is even harder for me to talk about those first moments and our 4 months in the hospital than it was in the beginning. I used to explain to people all the time what was happening in the NICU, but now I sometimes can't even tell that my girls were born too soon without feeling a lump in my throat. That doesn't make sense to me, but after talking with Tero I formed my own theory. Now when I see the girls- so beautiful, so happy, learning so much- I am realizing more and more every day how much I almost missed out on. These perfect little girls almost died! I don't think we knew how close it was (probably due to a combination of shock and denial), or at least we didn't really think about it all the time. We tried to focus more on the future. But now we know. Of course it would have been devastating if our tiny newborn babies would have died, but now when we know them and we know the joy that they have brought to our lives, it is almost unbearable to think of what almost happened. I honestly at this point don't know if I will ever recover from the trauma of those first few months, but I hope it will get easier!  It is at least comforting to know that after what we have been through, I think we can handle almost anything that comes our way. :)

Love

Since today is Valentine's Day, I had planned to write about all the things I love about my kids. Then, after a horrible start to the day and the kind of morning that most moms would want to forget, I somehow didn't feel in the mood to write anymore.  I made cupcakes instead.  While enjoying a cupcake and a hot cup of coffee, I reminded myself of what love really is.  Even with the biting, crying, kicking, hair-pulling, milk-spilling, food-throwing, screaming and shouting that was our morning (oh, and rescuing Olivia after she fell off the side of a rocky ledge and face-first into a huge pile of snow while Matias and Sofia were both having a tantrum and 20 other moms were staring at me in horror/pity)- I still love my kids....and my life with them.  Of course I do.  And today of all days is when I need to maybe remind myself of all the little moments that I love so much.

So....

I love how all of my kids start smiling and dancing when they hear music.  I love the look on the girls' faces when I go in to get them after their naps.  I love the way the kids start screaming with delight and running around in excitement when I return from a quick trip to the store. I love the way Olivia's smile makes my heart melt.  I love how Sofia tries to copy every word we say and it sometimes comes out a bit mixed up- oopsy daisy is 'Oopee Saidy'. I love the way Matias laughs when he gets tickled.  I love the sound of the kids playing together.  I love how Olivia shouts, 'DANNY!' and all the kids start laughing. (We don't know who or what Danny is, but everyone seems to think it's the funniest thing ever :)).  I love when I see Matias help his sisters. I love it when Sofia pulls her shirt up in a public place and shouts, 'There it is!!' (meaning, of course, her belly button :)).  I love it when Olivia smiles and says 'bye bye' to all of the cashiers as we leave a store.  I love it when the girls hold hands.  I love how Sofia shouts 'Bubbos!' every time she sees snow falling outside.  I love how Matias shows empathy, like when he asks me if I'm tired or if I slept well.  I love how the girls look when they have little ponytails in their hair. I love how Sofia shouts, 'HUG!!!' every time someone is leaving from our house.  I love how I feel when I say, 'my daughters' or 'my son'.  I love how Olivia looks so proud of herself every time she learns something new.  I love how the kids all raise their hand and shout, 'ME!' when I ask who wants a cookie.  I love all of the pictures/crafts that Matias makes (see the lovely butterfly above? :)).  I love how cute Sofia looks when she's mad and how she marches to time out and sits there even though nobody has told her she needs to go. I love how every night...every single night...Tero says what great kids we have.   I love looking at pictures of my babies to remind me how fast time is going and how much I need to focus on soaking it all in before they're all grown up.  I love miracles.  I love family.  I love love and I love life.  I love how just writing this already made me in such a good mood. :)

I am so happy that I am at home to see all these things happening.  Even though the life of a stay-at-home mom can be quite tough at times and by most people (even other moms) is not as respected or valued as other jobs, I will never be sorry that I stayed at home to raise my kids.  In only a few short years they will all be in school with their own friends and this short phase of our life with little kids will be over.  I am trying to enjoy it as much as I can, because no matter how hard it is (and with 3 kids aged 3 and under, it IS hard), I know I'm going to miss it more than anything.  The small, precious moments that happen every day make all the tough parts so totally worth it.  I will treasure them forever....the moments and the kids. :)

Happy Valentine's Day to you and those you love!

I love you, times two!

For Olivia and Sofia in honor of Twin Day- February 2, 2012

***********************************************************

Doctor: So, do you have twins in your family?

Me: (nervously laughing) WHAT?!?! Are there two??? Are you serious?? Really?? Are you sure??

And here they were, at the moment that 'twins' became part of our daily vocabulary:

(That's Sofia there on the bottom.  Olivia is hiding, but you can see her little home :))

I have twins in my family, but the thought had never even crossed my mind that I would have twins. It wasn't something I had wished for, it wasn't something I had worried about...I honestly hadn't ever even given it a thought. So when we got the news in December 2009, when our dear little Matias was only 11 months old, we were more than a little shocked. We were scared and feeling completely unsure about how we were going to manage. Deep down I was excited and had a feeling (or more of a hope) that the babies would be girls, but the worry of the reality of our daily life and all of the changes that would be necessary (new house, new car, stroller to fit 3 kids, etc. etc....AAHHHH!!!) took center stage.

When we found out the twins were definitely girls in the middle of March, I was in heaven. For 2 weeks I was living in a pink fairytale where I felt my life was totally and completely perfect. Matias was an angel and now I was going to get two beautiful girls. I was getting so much more than I felt like I deserved.  Although I was still nervous about the reality of having 3 children with such a small age difference, I was incredibly happy.

When the girls were born without warning on April 3, 2010 at only 24+4 pregnancy weeks, all of our worries about how to cope with twins seemed so insignificant. Healthy twins would have been a far deal easier than what we were about to face, and we had taken the idea of having healthy babies for granted. For the first 2 weeks after the girls were born, we didn't even know if they would survive or not.  And if they did make it, we were clearly informed that there would be huge risks for a variety of long-term problems. It was a nightmare so horrible, that some moments I didn't believe it was actually happening. The emotional pain of seeing your babies struggling to survive before your eyes and not knowing with each second that passes if they are still going to be alive tomorrow is almost unbearable. I still cannot tell the story of the girls' birth and those first few weeks without tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. The pain, the fear, the heartache, the sadness, the tears...the huge feeling of loss. It is something that will take a lifetime to recover from.

The road travelled over the past two years has not been an easy one, but now here we are:

We have happy, healthy twin girls. Every day when I say, 'my girls', I think about how lucky I am. When I see the girls smile, when I hear them laugh at each other, when I see them playing together, when I see them walking...it is all just a miracle that I will be thankful for forever. I'm thankful that they survived, thankful that they got to be together, and thankful that I got the privilege of being not only the mom of two miracles, but also the mom of twins.

When most moms and grandmas see me with twins, they comment on how much work it must be. Twins are double the work, right? Well, yes. The amount of bottles and diapers in the beginning was ridiculous. The lack of sleep and lack of arms was (and still is) frustrating. The loads upon loads of laundry were (and still are) never-ending. Yet it seems in life that when you have to work really hard at something, it's that much more enjoyable.

All mothers know the totally head-over-heels in love feeling they get when they hold their baby, when their baby smiles at them, when their baby starts talking, starts walking, etc., etc. Well, when you have twins, you get that feeling times two. Can you imagine falling in love with 2 totally different little people at the same time? It is an amazing feeling. I clearly remember wondering in my exhausted, worn-out state when the girls first came home from the hospital why-oh-why on earth would anyone ever actually wish for twins? It felt so hard! But then one day Sofia smiled, and then Olivia smiled, and then both of them smiled at me at the same time and I was like, 'Wow....ok, now I totally get it.' And it just kept getting better from there. Their smiles light up my heart and fill me with so much happiness.

Is my life easy? No way (ha ha...that makes me laugh :)). Do the kids always get along? Definitely not. Would I choose to have twins again if I had a choice? Probably not. Would I choose to have 3 kids within 15 months if I could do it over again? Absolutely not. Do I have days when I wonder, 'How the heck am I going to survive this?' Ummm, yeah. BUT, now when the children are in our lives, I actually wouldn't want to change anything. I have realized that this is exactly what I was meant to have. This is our life. It is not easy and it is not always fun, but it is wonderful. Exhaustingly, frustratingly, amazingly, beautifully wonderful. I love all 3 of my children with my whole heart and I can't imagine having done it any other way. Part of me sometimes wonders what would have happened if one or both of the girls hadn't made it. I honestly don't know if I could've coped with the loss of a baby. I really don't know. My busy life now is a small price to pay for not having to find that out.

In the beginning when the girls were fighting for their lives, I many times thought, 'What did I do to deserve this?' And now I'm thinking, 'What did I do to deserve THIS?':

And this....

I am one lucky lady. Thank you to Sofia and Olivia for being so brave and beautiful in every way, and thank you to Matias for being such a kind and patient big brother of twins.