Happy New Year and Happy Birthday Matias poika

Another year has come and gone...and we are actually quite happy that this particular year has come to an end. Although this year has been in most cases the absolute worst year of our lives, it has not been a total waste when you see the end result:

Christmas 2010

By far, my favorite gifts this year



We had a nice, quiet Christmas at home this year. It was fun watching Matias's face when Santa visited and watching the excitement with all the new toys. The girls didn't really notice anything, but were happy hanging out watching Matias open his gifts. And thank goodness they like to share, because Matias played with all their new toys almost as much as his. :) I don't know what Matias's favorite gift was because he has played with everything.

Just hanging out, getting ready for Santa to come...


I like this Santa guy!

Sofia doesn't look too impressed with her gift

Someone is spoiled!

Matias's gift-opening audience


Christmas morning (Matias was a bit tired from all the excitement :))

I'm very optimistic that 2011 is going to be a good one. There are a lot of good things that I think/hope will happen this year:
-Matias will be potty trained
-The girls will learn how to walk and will say their first words
-We will be able to go out IN PUBLIC as a family (double yay!!!)
-We will find a house...finally
-We will be able to take our first vacation as a family of 5
-My stomach will get smaller thanks to surgery (yeah, I will be getting surgery for 'adominal separation'- basically my stomach muscles were ripped apart because of Matias's enormous size and now I have a gaping hole or big bulge depending on what position I'm in. Gross, I know...enough said.)


And tomorrow is January 1st, and Matias's 2nd birthday. He has been home with me and the girls this week and it has been so wonderful to spend time with him....exhausting (and sometimes a bit difficult), but mostly wonderful. I love that kid to pieces. Besides the recent beginning of the 'terrible twos' and some tantrums (which are actually not that bad, but just difficult when you have two other babies to take care of at the same time), he has been the easiest baby/kid I have ever known. A few examples: he never really cried when he was a baby, just snorted or let out a grunt when he wanted something; he has always eaten EVERYTHING that we've offered to him; he didn't make any fuss (or even really notice) when we took his bottle and pacifiers away; he switched to a big boy bed almost effortlessly; when it's bedtime, we just read a story, hug him, say goodnight, and leave....and that's how it's always been....no fussing at all; when we say 'time out', he just goes there by himself and sits until we say he can come out. He has learned some not-so-nice behaviors from daycare, but is starting to really listen to us when we explain why he can or can't do something. He's also giving instructions to Olivia and Sofia all the time, so we know that he's listening to us. The other day he yelled at Sofia when she was chewing on a toy and said 'put toys mouth, no!!!' And then when Olivia was kicking in her bouncy chair, he pushed her feet and said, 'no kick Olivia!!'. Funny. :)

I don't want to get all mushy and gushy, but I do have to say that I get tears in my eyes almost every single day because of how much I love Matias (and of course the girls too). I don't know what in the world I did to ever deserve such a sweet little boy. I guess it's really true in life that the longer you wait for something, the more you appreciate it. I think a lot of parents are worried that their kids won't know how much they love them, but I'm worried that Matias will think I love him TOO much. I know that one day he will get tired of the million hugs and kisses a day. I know that one day he will not dance for joy and shout his name when I ask 'who is mommy's favorite boy in the world?'. And I know that one day he will not run to me, put his hands on my cheeks, and kiss me right on the lips. I also know that I will never forget these days. I will never forget how cute his voice sounds when he sings Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in Finnish (I could listen to it 100 times a day). I will never forget how he sings rong-a-nosy (ring around the rosy) and spins so much that he gets dizzy and falls down. I will never forget how he much he loves to point out numbers. I will never forget how I almost have to run when I pick him up from daycare because I'm so excited to see him. I was in love with him as soon as I saw his chubby little cheeks for the first time and I think I will be in love with him forever.

And on to the girls....they are doing really well and are as sweet as can be. They have been sick off and on all fall, but thankfully nothing extremely serious. Even when they've been sick, they've continued to eat well and have been pretty happy for the most part. Nowadays they are quite easy babies. They just sit and play and eat and sleep and sit and play and giggle and smile all day. They are not fussy at all, but they do of course let me know if they're tired or hungry (although their schedule is so rigid that I usually get around to taking care of things before that happens :)). They have their next developmental check at the end of January, and then we'll get more information about when we can start going out a bit more with them. We hope to start baby swimming in February, and I also hope to start taking the girls to a few baby groups. I'm not sure when I'll be brave enough to take all 3 kids on a bus or train by myself (especially since Matias is not strapped in), but I'm sure there will be a time for that this year too. I think most people who see me would either think I'm lucky to have such a cute load of kids, or then they'll feel really sorry for me....or maybe both. :)

We would like to wish all of our friends and family a very happy 2011! We're looking forward to getting out more with our family and hopefully seeing all of you very soon!

Oh...and to end this long update, here's something that might make you laugh. This was the picture that didn't quite make it onto our Christmas card this year...but it was a close runner-up. :)

Where is Matias?

Ok, it seems that my sweet little boy has disappeared and been replaced with a cranky, whiny, indecisive boy who likes to throw tantrums. This week has been AWFUL! Today, thank goodness, I got a tiny glimpse of Matias's former angelic, happy self and it was so nice. So there is hope that he will come back and this boy who spends most of his time in 'time out' will disappear. Man, I hope so.

So, here are a few conversations we've had this week:
Matias: Shirt off!
Me: Matias, you really don't need to take your shirt off right now.
Matias: SHIRT OFF!
Me: Matias, why do you want to take your shirt off?
Matias: Shirt off!
Me: Ok, we can take your shirt off but if you get cold we need to put it back on. (take his shirt off)
Matias: Nooooooo!!! Shirt ON!!!! Waaaaahhhhhhh!!!! Shirt on!!!!!

And another one:
Matias: Mommy, istuu (sit) chair.
Me: Matias, it's not time to eat now...why do you want to sit in your chair?
Matias: Sit!!
Me: Matias, I'm not going to give you any food but if you really want to sit in your chair then you can sit there. (put him in his high chair)
Matias: Down!!! Down!!! Waaaahhhhhh!!!!! Down!!!!

I think you see where this is going. This happens 50 times a day. And EVERYTHING has to be a fight. Putting clothes on: he sits when you want him to stand and stands when you want him to sit. Putting outdoor clothes on: he lays on the floor like a wet noodle. Walking outside: he lays down on the sidewalk and refuses to move. Dinnertime: he says he's done and then cries when you take away the food.

He has been in time out a lot this week, and although he sits there like an angel and says sorry afterwards, the behavior doesn't always stop. He has been hitting the girls on the head, hitting my back when I'm feeding the girls, hitting the tv, throwing his food on the floor, and basically doing the opposite of everything we ask him to do. And sometimes he's so MAD! I saw him pooping the other day and asked him if he had kakka in his diaper and he shouted angrily back at me, 'EI OO!!' (there's not).

It has been tiring to say the least (especially since he's been waking up before 6 every day again)and I think we're going to need some new strategies soon to deal with this behavior if it continues. Of course as a teacher I have dealt with behavioral issues, but a) it's different when it's your own kids, b) it's different when they're this young, and c) it's difficult when there are 3 babies crying at the same time (and all almost totally dependent on you for their every need) to immediately provide the consequence for the misbehavior.

One problem is that Matias is smart. Maybe too smart. He totally knows what he's doing and has that mischievous twinkle in his eye when he's going to do something that's not allowed. And of course most of this misbehavior occurs when I'm alone with all 3 kids and am not giving him all the attention he might want. He knows. The funny thing is that he also 'punishes' me when he's mad. If he's trying to climb in my lap when I'm feeding the girls, I give him a quick hug and tell him that he can sit in my lap when I'm done feeding the babies. Then when the girls are sleeping and I do have time to play with him, he totally ignores me and wants to play by himself. Aaahhhh.....sometimes it feels like I can't win. I told my friend the other day that it feels horrible when Matias goes to bed and the only thing I feel like I said to him the whole evening was:
Don't do that, Matias!
Ack! What are you doing, Matias?
No, Matias!
Be nice, Matias!
Matias, we don't hit.
Matias, put it back!
I'm going to count to 3, then you'll go to time out if you don't stop.
Time out, Matias!
Matias Miikki, stop that right now!
Say sorry, Matias.

I'm sure if I was totally well-rested and didn't have any other babies demanding my attention, I might have a tiny bit more patience and energy to deal with this. In any case though, I have to say that I do love him to pieces....and sometimes I do even laugh when he's in time out (not where he can see me of course) because he looks so freaking cute just sitting there, twiddling his thumbs and looking really sorry. How is it that you can be so annoyed with your own kids and so in love with them at the same time? One minute I feel like selling him to the highest bidder and the next minute I'm squeezing him so hard because he's done something adorable.....oh, like when he kissed me on the lips the other day, walked away for a few steps, then ran back to me and said 'more, more' and gave me a huge hug and kiss. Aaahhhh, parenthood....and this is just the beginning. :)))

new toys

The girls got some new dolls last week (they were supposed to be for Christmas, but I couldn't wait!) and it was so fun to watch them actually starting to 'play' with them. Ok, they were mostly licking them and chewing on them, but it's a start. :)

http://s630.photobucket.com/albums/uu29/allyfinland/The%20Girls/?action=view¤t=MVI_1680.mp4

The girls also got a new playmat. We spend LOTS of time at home, so I don't mind splurging on a little entertainment for us. (**Internet shopping should be illegal for those of us trapped at home....seriously. Clicking 'buy' is way too easy.**) I like in this video when Sofia and Olivia start 'dancing' at the same time. Really cute!

http://s630.photobucket.com/albums/uu29/allyfinland/The%20Girls/?action=view¤t=MVI_1727.mp4

Matias also tried the mat....maybe not a good idea. :)

http://s630.photobucket.com/albums/uu29/allyfinland/The%20Girls/?action=view¤t=MVI_1740.mp4

(if you need a password to watch the videos, it's: finland)

That's all for now!

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to the father of my children, the wonderful man I married....you are amazing and more appreciated than you'll ever know.


As a new father last year and a father of 3 this year, Tero has gotten a whole lot of kids in a really short time. He has been THE BEST man I can think of to be in this situation that we're in. He has experienced more emotions this year than many people probably experience in their whole lifetime. He has been 100% absolutely and completely dedicated to Matias and to our amazing little fighters.


Tero plays with the kids, sings to the kids, teases the kids, takes them to the doctor, takes them to the park, does all the grocery shopping, gives Matias a bath every night, and always checks on my well-being. I couldn't have asked for a better partner or a better father. It hasn't been easy every day, but Tero has put aside his own needs for the kids without a single complaint. Maybe he's wise enough to know that complaining won't help anything. :) We are full time parents...literally. When he gets home from work, it's straight to helping out with the circus....dinners, cleaning, loading the dishwasher, playing, holding, evening porridge, baths, bottles, storytime...phew! There is little time for anything else.


Tero has done everything a man can possibly do to make sure his kids have the best life possible and to know that they are loved....and I know he will continue to do that for as long as he lives. What more could I have asked for? Thanks Tero, and Happy Father's Day!!

hospital visits

I never never never never ever want to be at the hospital again. Ever. A person would think that after spending 124 days in a row at the hospital this spring/summer, that 2 or 3 days wouldn't be a big deal. I would think that too. Totally wrong. In the beginning the girls didn't really belong to us yet...they were hospital babies. As hard as it was to sit in the hospital all day and leave them in the evening, this week was on some level even harder. Now that the girls have been home and are really important members of our family, we don't want to live even a day without them. Now we know what we're missing. Our family of 4 seemed so small....too small. Matias waking up and saying 'Ovia sick, Ovia sad' one morning and then the next morning asking where is his 'other one sister' made me cry. We need our babies to stay healthy and stay with us.



Sofia had a quick emergency room visit last Thursday night with a 39.5 C fever and was diagnosed with a double ear infection and a normal cold. Olivia has been coughing for basically 2 months, sometimes worse and sometimes better, but now with all of us being sick a few weeks ago she wasn't able to handle it anymore. She was having coughing attacks and vomiting (a lot) and nobody was getting any sleep. Tero took her to the emergency room on Monday night and after the doctor heard her cough once, she was admitted as a patient. The doctor was worried it could be pertussis (whooping cough) or the beginning of pneumonia, which can be dangerous even for an otherwise healthy child. Tero was keeping me updated with text messages and I was so worried, I couldn't sleep. Tero came home at 2.00 a.m. without Olivia and we both felt so sick and so sad. Olivia is sleeping in a room all alone. What if she cries? What if she needs to be held? What if she's hungry and the nurses don't know? What if she's scared? What if the nurses give her the wrong food? What if, what if, what if. Nobody can take care of her like her own parents. She needs us and it's not ok that she's in the hospital all alone.



We took Matias to daycare on Tuesday morning, then headed with Sofia to the hospital. We spent the day in a super small room playing with our happy little girls. I held Olivia A LOT and realized even more how special she is to me. Man, I love my kids. Tero brought Matias to see his sisters in the evening and he was really happy. :) ' Ovia Ovia hospital Ovia' he kept saying. Tero then took Matias and Sofia home to get them ready for bed and I stayed with Olivia until she went to bed for the night. It was so nice to spend time alone with her and give her evening porridge and bottle. She seemed to be feeling ok and gave me lots of big smiles. Somehow I think she knew I was going to leave after I rocked her to sleep, and she was staring at me with her big blue eyes and grabbing onto my sweater. I felt SO bad. I was crying the whole time and I stood next to her bed with my coat on for half an hour before I had the heart to leave. It would have been possible to stay the night in the room, but I wouldn't have gotten any sleep with the nurses giving medicine every hour. I had no idea how long they were going to keep her there and I knew I had to get some sleep since I'd hardly slept the previous night. Plus I had Sofia and Matias to think about at home and Tero had to do some work the next day and wouldn't be able to take care of all the kids.



So off to the hospital again with Sofia yesterday. When I saw the nurse in Olivia's room, I tried to keep back the tears and I told her that we really wanted to have Olivia at home. The doctor had said a few days at least, but I knew we could take care of her. She didn't seem that sick thanks to all the medicine she was getting and we could give most of that medicine at home. She didn't have a fever and wasn't having any coughing attacks anymore....at least not so bad. The doctor agreed that she could go home on the condition that we bring her back immediately if it gets bad again. So we came home yesterday afternoon and I was so happy. So relieved.



I really don't know what we're supposed to do to keep the girls healthy. Matias is in daycare and is getting sick all the time. Just when his coughing and runny nose have stopped, there's usually only a 2-3 day break before the next round starts. If he gets sick, the girls will get sick too. We live in a small apartment and Matias wipes his germs everywhere. It's impossible to keep him away from the girls and I don't want to be telling him all the time to stay away from the babies. I don't want him to think he can't touch his own sisters. I cannot keep Matias at home with me though (even though most days I would want to), for the main reason that he needs to be with kids his own age and play and I cannot take the girls anywhere where there are kids. It's a no-win situation really. Either I have a sad toddler sitting around at home with me getting no social interaction (and probably then getting into lots of trouble!) or I have to risk the girls getting sick. What are we supposed to do?

Happy Halloween (a whole lot of happy)

The last few weeks have again flown by. Just busy being busy. :) This blog update doesn't have any big news, just bits and pieces of what we've been up to lately.

A few weeks ago Tero and I had our 2nd anniversary. We met some friends in a park near where we live and had them take some pictures of our family. It was only 2 years ago that we stood in that park as a newlywed couple. Two years and 3 kids later we stood there again. I don't think we would've believed it if someone told us this was our future. Seeing the pictures side by side makes you realize how quickly and unexpectedly life can change. I guess it's true that when it rains, it pours...and in this case the rain is a good thing. :)



October 2008

October 2010

Last weekend we finally had the girls baptized. Sofia Isabelle Miikki and Olivia Addison Miikki are two new additions to the Lutheran church. It was a beautiful, sunny day, the pastor was a relaxed and funny guy, the chapel was small, cute, and cozy, and the ceremony was just perfect. A beautiful service for 2 beautiful little babies. What a special day for them, and a much happier event than the emergency baptism Olivia had when she was 2 days old.

Getting the girls ready (godmother Amy helping with Sofia)

Sofia is ready to go...


All of our guests (Matias is there too...see if you can find him!)

The proud big brother with his sisters who finally have official names (no more Girl A and Girl B)

The yummy food and 'princess' cake....


My Grandparents sent the girls these angels who are each holding a newly-born chick. The title on the bottom of each figurine is 'Angel of Miracles'. How appropriate. :)

We've spent a few days this past week being sick...again. Matias had to stay home from daycare one day, so I was alone with the kids. Everyone, including me, was sick and I was dreading the day but it was surprisingly one of the nicest days in a long time. I really miss Matias when he's at daycare, so it was nice to spend some extra time with him. As long as I don't need to look like a beauty queen or do anything besides feed, diaper, and entertain the kids, then I could do that every day. It definitely wasn't difficult, just busy.

Matias looking really sick in the morning...

Drinking some hot juice...

All the kids are at home, so time for some Halloween pictures.

Trying to be artistic and Matias wouldn't stay in position. He was sick, after all. :)

Tero has been taking a day off of work here and there (using up the rest of his 'father's leave') so that he can spend time with us, or give me a break to do something for myself. What a nice guy. :) One day I went to Helsinki to get my hair cut and shop a bit, another day I got a massage, and then yesterday we got a babysitter for the girls and went together with Matias to SeaLife Aquarium in Helsinki. Matias didn't seem too interested in the fish, but numbers he was definitely interested in. If he could count the fish or point out and shout all the numbers on all the signs, then he was happy. We went out to lunch afterwards where Matias had a big boy hamburger (he only ate the bun :)) and he spent most of the time looking out the window watching the buses go by and telling us the numbers of the buses. He spent the car ride home shouting out all the numbers he saw on the road signs. When I went to the grocery store with him later in the afternoon, he shouting out all the aisle numbers. I don't know what the current obsession with numbers is, but he sometimes just shouts, 'numbers numbers' and then starts listing every number he sees. Some days his obsession is with the alphabet. He shouts 'ABCs, ABCs, and then starts naming letters he sees. Mostly it's numbers though. So that was our day yesterday....numbers numbers everywhere. :)

Matias not liking his shark hat

Checking out the sharks...or in Matias's mind: ONE, TWO!

Matias and Daddy 'underwater'

Matias also helped carve a pumpkin for the first time yesterday. Totally not interested! He just kept shouting 'leikkimään, leikkimään' (let's play). He did help dig out some of the gunk, but made a disgusted face and didn't want anything else to do with it. He hates having dirty hands! He did enjoy when we lit the candle though and this morning the first thing he said was, 'punkin ON'. :)

You can see the disgusted look, even though the picture was shot a few seconds too late for the 'real' face.

I love this picture!

The girls are doing really well, besides the colds they keep getting from Matias. At least no hospital visits this time! They had their 3-month checkup at Lastenklinikka about 2 weeks ago and the doctors were satisfied with everything. The girls are growing surprisingly well for preemies and they are showing all of the skills that a normal 3-month-old baby should have. At this point, it couldn't be better. The next developmental check is at 6 months, so in January. We have the girls' first ear doctor appointment on Monday, so hopefully everything is fine with their hearing. At least they react to Matias's shouting, so they do hear something. :)

The girls are sleeping really well now (only waking once in the night for a quick bottle) and everything is so much more manageable with sleep. Last night they slept a record 8 hours in a row. I had a huge scare when I woke up and saw that it was 4.00 and no babies had been awake yet...I thought something was wrong! Usually they eat at 1.00 or 2.00. So they slept last night from 8.00-4.00 and then 4.30-7.30. Nice! And tonight is the lovely time change, so let's hope that doesn't mess everything up.

So besides being a bit sick and having backaches/headaches (me) and a sprained ankle (Tero), we are fine and happy. Most days I feel like one of the luckiest people in the world.....maybe that's what happens when you have 2 or 3 angels smiling at you every day. I wouldn't change our life for anything. Some days I could consider selling a few kids.....but not today. :)))

Sofia after her bath last night...

And Olivia....my little sweetheart. :)


The girls are always holding hands when they lay next to each other....always!

half a year

Wow, about 6 weeks since my last post. Time goes so quickly!!


Speaking of time...the girls turned 6 months old a little over a week ago. HALF A YEAR! I seriously cannot believe that they were born half a year ago. I spent a lot of time that weekend thinking about everything that has happened...so many emotions. I'm not sure if it will ever get easier when remembering those first few hours, days, and weeks....and not sure if I can ever do it without crying. I looked back at pictures of the girls and it made me realize just how far they have come. From dark purple, transparent, bruised skin...eyes that were still sealed shut...heads the size of mandarin oranges....hands the size of my thumb nail...tubes and wires going in and out of 20 different places....to this:



Chubby cheeks, chubby legs, smiling faces, bright blue eyes, perfect skin. Wow. Back in April I could've never imagined that this is how they would look. Those 124 days in the hospital wouldn't have seemed quite so scary if I knew this was what was coming. If someone could've just shown me this picture and said, 'patience, my friend.' Oh, how that would've helped me. But even with all of the uncertainty and fear, we made it this far.....and we know that is something to be proud of.

Needless to say, we are in love. Look at those faces! Of course we have loved the girls from the beginning, but it wasn't the 'head over heels love at first sight' kind of love that most parents experience when seeing their babies for the first time. It has taken time for the love to really grow. Maybe there were just too many tubes, machines, nurses, doctors, tests, procedures, and a vast array of other emotions in the way. Now that they are home and really feel like OUR babies (not hospital babies), it seems like they've always been part of our family and we wouldn't trade them for the world.

Our lives are definitely 'easier' than detailed in my last post. Or maybe we're just getting used to the madness? :) Tero and I don't have free time any more though...that is a fact. Evenings and weekends are packed full of food, bottles, fussy babies, baths, bedtime routines. Someone has come 2 mornings a week (now only 1) to help with the babies so that I can clean, do laundry, prepare dinner, etc. (or rest, but I'm a type A personality, so that's usually not an option :)). We still haven't managed to arrange the night nurse, but I think we can survive now on our own. We still have a few really bad nights once in awhile, but overall the girls are sleeping a lot better. They take 3-4 naps during the day, then they sleep at night from about 8.30-1.00, 1.30-5.00, and 5.30-7.00. They have a bottle 6-7 times a day, baby food 3 times a day, and rice cereal in the evenings. The feeding is very messy and time-consuming, and unfortunately I have yet to find a stain remover that will get the carrots out of all their cute little clothes. The girls still have the tongue thrust reflex (they are supposed to be only 2.5 months old, so of course they do) and when they are eating together on my nifty feeding pillow, their arms are flailing around, and...well, you get the picture. It's messy. :) It's all worth it though because the girls are growing really well and are around the average size of any baby who was born in July. No more negative numbers!! Last Friday both girls were about 5.5 kilos (Sofia took a slight lead!) and 60 cm. Good girls. :)

Now that I'm actually awake enough to think straight and have energy to do something besides take naps, I have to admit that I'm a little bit lonely. Ok, actually really lonely. Loneliness is nothing compared to what the girls have gone through though, and I try to remind myself of that every day. And of course I am willing to do anything I need to do...even stay home the rest of my life...if it would keep our girls safe and healthy. I know that many people would LOVE to be able to stay at home all day and not have to go anywhere, but I guess when you're kind of forbidden to do something, it just makes it that much more appealing. I'm used to a very active lifestyle, so it's a pretty big change. I cannot take the girls out to public places, so my only real adventure in the day is picking Matias up from daycare. I sadly have to admit that when we have a hospital check-up with the girls, it is the highlight of my week. That is the only place I've gotten to take the girls out (out of their stroller, out of their car seat, out of their snowsuit) and it's nice to see people's reactions to twins. :) The doctor just informed us that in January we can start living more of a normal life. We can take the girls to baby swimming if we'd like, take them out shopping, and even take them to groups with a few kids....but still of course avoiding sick people whenever possible.

What most people don't understand about preemies is that just because they are home, it doesn't mean that everything is fine and normal. Basically the girls are forever changed because of their early birth and they will never be the same people they would've been if born later. None of their organs were ready when they were born and they are still recovering from that. They are still so fragile and have really bad lungs, so even a small flu will send them to the hospital (2 emergency room visits in the last 2 weeks, plus 2 lung doctor visits are proof of that). We are trying not to dwell on the unknowns, but the truth is that there are still so many unknowns and I think any normal parent would worry. Even a 'normal' baby has risks for developing problems down the road, but with preemies the risks are exponentially higher....and of course when we have 2 babies, the risks grow even more. The risks for developmental problems, difficulties learning to walk and talk, behavioral problems, cerebral palsy, brain damage, etc. are there and of course we won't find out until later on....perhaps even years. Fortunately the care in Finland is so good that the percentages of preemies with problems here are less than in other countries. I just read some encouraging news as well. It has been proven that preemies have a lower IQ in general than normal birthweight babies, but studies in Finland have shown that preemies in Finland still have a higher IQ than normal birthweight babies in the US. That doesn't sound too discouraging. :) Like a doctor told me last week when I asked if everything looked ok, she said, 'time will tell'. Of course I didn't like that she said that (why can't you just tell me my babies are fine and perfect?!?), but it's true. Nobody can really tell us anything yet. Again with the whole patience thing.

Good days, bad days, amazingly wonderful days, horrible days....we have experienced them all. I just told a friend the other day that even though I'm exhausted and have literally no free time, there is a lot of love and funny stuff happening amidst all the chaos that keeps us going. Some people have asked how we manage with so little help and I really don't know what to say. When you have to do something, you just do it...and don't really have time to think about other options. Yes, we would like to be able to go out in public as a family and spend time together....yes, we would like to know that our girls will be able to walk and talk and flirt with boys someday....yes, we would like to sleep 8 hours at night and feel refreshed in the morning...yes, we would like to do a lot of things that we logistically can't do. The truth is though, that a lot of other parents share our struggles....and a lot of people have it even worse than us. Things can ALWAYS be worse. And you can spend a lot of time waiting for your problems to be solved, but as soon as they are they will most surely be replaced with new ones. So, although our lives are not easy and not exactly how we planned, we try so hard every day to be thankful for what we have. Sometimes we are not successful, but most days we are. How lucky are we to have a son who makes us laugh every day and who we love so much that just the mere thought of him makes us smile? How lucky are we to wish for a daughter and get two at the same time? How lucky are we to have a 50-50 chance of two babies dying and both of them survive with flying colors? How lucky are we to have experienced events that have taught us to catch every single glimmer of happiness in the day and make it a huge deal? I would call that lucky.

Our new life

Ok, so being the mom in a family with 3 very small children doesn't allow much time for blog updates. I guess most people aren't wondering what's keeping me so busy. This is one time in my life that I maybe don't need any excuses for anything. :)

Besides the basics- sleep deprivation, bottles, diapers ,flying poop, vomit-stained shirts, crying, and extreme chaotic messiness- I guess there are a lot of details missing. This update may take me a few days to finish, so don't mind if it's a bit disjointed.

The quick positives:

• The girls both started smiling a few weeks ago
• They're both eating and growing well
• They aren't on any medicines (only vitamins and iron)
• The doctors are positive and hopeful for the future
• Matias has learned about patience and being careful
• I have a huge list of 'things I can do with one hand'
• Starting next week someone will come to help out 2 mornings a week and one night
• This will get easier eventually (better is basically the only direction to go at this point :))

The quick negatives:

• We still only get about 4 hours of sleep per night and naps are impossible
• Olivia may have colic- some days every waking moment is spent crying
• Sofia has some reflux/stomach problems- spits up and squirms often in pain
• The girls like to sleep at opposite times
• I'm starting to feel the cabin fever set in after only a few days alone at home (I'm not supposed to take the girls into any public places)
  

A brief overview of a 'normal day' in our house:

• 6.00 Matias wakes up, breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed, read/play
• 7.30 Girls wake up, change diapers, give bottles, playtime/tummytime
• 8.15 Tero takes Matias to daycare, then off to work
• 9.00 Get girls dressed and settled down for morning nap
• 9.30 Sofia asleep, Olivia crying
• 10.00 Sofia asleep, Olivia still crying
• 10.30 Sofia asleep, Olivia still crying
• 10.45 Olivia finally falls asleep and Sofia wakes up
• 11.00 debate whether to wake Olivia up for food since Sofia wants to eat
• 11.15 Start feeding Sofia baby food and bottle, Olivia wakes up to join
• 11.45 Olivia sound asleep after bottle, Sofia wants to play
• 12.30 Sofia falls asleep, Olivia wakes up crying
• 13.00 Olivia back to sleep and on a lucky day Sofia still sleeping
• 13.30 Sofia wakes up crying with a stomach ache and vomits all over her clothes and the bed
• 14.00 both girls wake for bottle
• 14.30 playtime/tummytime
• 15.00 get the girls ready for stroller ride
• 15.15 start walking to pick up Matias
• 15.30 arrive at the daycare
• 15.45 halfway home and Matias decides he doesn't want to hold on to the stroller, debating what to do with 2 screaming babies and a toddler who is sitting on the sidewalk and won't move
• 16.00 home at last
• 16.15 Baby Einstein dvd for Matias so I can comfort crying babies or heat up something for dinner
• 17.00 dinner for Matias, Tero arrives home!
• 17.30 babyfood and bottles for the girls
• 18.00 take Matias to the park with whole family or Tero stays at home with the girls
• 19.00 evening porridge for Matias, teeth brushed, bath, pajamas, story
• 19.30 Matias in bed
• 19.45 girls have a bath
• 20.00 evening bottles
• 20.30-21.30 comfort, rock, swaddle, put pacifiers continuously until girls fall asleep
• 1.00-2.00 night bottles
• 4.30-5.30 night bottles
• 6.00 Matias wakes up...and the cycle starts again

During all the free time available on the schedule (as you can see, there's quite a lot :)), I try to take a shower, do laundry, wash and prepare bottles, cook something, tidy up the house, take a nap, make a few phone calls to reschedule doctor appointments, write an e-mail, etc. Usually I get one or two of these 'extra' things done during the day. But that's ok. :)

We are lucky: Most days I feel extremely guilty to complain about being tired, to complain about being trapped at home, to complain about not having even two minutes a day to myself, to complain that this is hard. The girls have gone through so much and it is such a blessing that they're even alive. Not being able to sleep and being busy is NOTHING compared to what their little bodies have suffered. Sometimes it's hard to remember in the depths of sleep deprivation how lucky we are, but we truly are lucky. Every time I see Matias's face smiling at me in the morning...every time I feel his arms around me giving me a big hug...every time he points to me and proudly says 'mommy'...every time he gives me a kiss on the lips...every time the girls smile at me or at each other...every time Matias gives the girls a kiss so gently....then I remember how much we have to be thankful for. I know that this difficult time in our lives won't last forever. When we start getting sleep, I think we can manage anything.

This daddy is so proud of his girls...

How can you not love those faces?

Lunchtime!

And the sleep will come: Last weekend Tero and I had the great fortune to go out to eat, attend the U2 concert and sleep in until 10 a.m. The girls had quit taking caffeine the previous week and usually ten days later they are supposed to be at the hospital overnight for observation. It just happened to fall on that Friday night. I was thinking I wouldn't be able to go to the concert, but this was great luck...especially since I was the one who stood in line for 2 hours with Matias and while I was pregnant to get the tickets. :) Matias went to a friend's house to stay the night, so we were competely without kids. I cannot even explain how much energy I had after sleeping 9 straight hours. Of course I still felt a bit tired (you can't recover from 5 weeks in 1 day :)), but didn't have the headache/nausea/fatigue that I usually have every day. It was great.

Waiting for the concert to begin

One of the biggest crowds ever

Another good stroke of luck hit us again. An acquaintance of mine is a nurse at the hospital where the girls were. She actually just finished working last weekend and has a lot of spare time now, so was wondering if we needed help with the girls. She has agreed (for a small fee) to come one nighta week to take care of the girls so Tero and I can sleep 8 straight hours. AND THEN, being that we live in such a wonderful country, the city has arranged for someone to come 2 mornings a week to help with the girls. I can use this time to sleep, do laundry, go to the store, etc. For these first weeks I know what I'll be doing. :)

Healthwise: The doctors have examined the girls thoroughly and seem to think that everything is fine. The neurologist also thought everything was fine. The eye doctor thought everything was fine. The MRI brain scans showed that everything is fine (besides some small scarring from the brain bleeds). The doctor told us that from now on we just treat them like normal, healthy babies. We have various hospital visits all fall...physiotherapy, eye doctor, hearing tests, developmental check-ups, etc....that will keep us quite busy. Besides those, I will just be at home with the girls watching them grow and taking lots of pictures. They are growing really quickly and I can hardly believe that these are the tiny babies I saw in the incubators so many months ago.

Olivia's due date footprints and 'newborn' footprints

Growing babies need to sleep!

So to sum up: All in all, I think everything is going pretty well...we are just busy and tired. It will get better, and I think (or hope anyways) that in a few months it will actually be easier to have 2 babies at home because they will play with each other and not demand so much of mommy's attention. For now it just seems like an awful lot of work and not too much in the 'fun' department. And then I look at Matias and realize that if I will have 3 of those....3 kids who call me mommy, who hug me and smile at me, who run at me with open arms when I've been away, who copy everything I say and do, who amaze me with their cleverness, whose chubby cheeks and legs full of rolls are just so stinking cute....my heart will be so full of love that I'm sure it will burst. I am so happy, just most days now too tired to realize it. :)) One day at a time....one day at a time.

Welcome home, Sofia!

Last Saturday, on the day she turned 3 months old, Sofia got to visit home for the first time. It was such an exciting day for all of us after waiting soooo long. :))

It feels strange to have given birth 3 months ago and to just now start getting the feeling that we actually have a baby (babies). She was really cute and it was so fun to just have her here. Feeding her while watching tv or watching Matias play is a million times better than sitting alone in a hospital room! We even took a short walk and took her to the park while Matias played outside. It was great. Tero's mom was here and she cooked dinner for us as well as helping keep Matias occupied. Everything went really well.

Sofia checking out the bouncy chair...

Matias had his own fun on the balcony...

Matias was pretty curious about the baby. He kept going to look in her crib and saying, 'baby'...and mostly with a smile on his face. A bit of a mischievous smile, but still. :) He got annoyed a few times if Sofia was in my lap and he couldn't be and overall he was trying to show off a bit the whole day, but it actually went a lot better than planned. It would've been nice if she could've stayed here for good, but it was good to get a little practice before the real circus starts. :)

Although having the babies home is going to be a great relief (it means they're doing ok!), Tero and I realized just how tough it's going to be. We got a few minutes of sleep here and there during the night that Sofia was home and were so exhausted the next day. If that continues for a few days in a row...oh man. Rough. Sofia's oxygen saturation/pulse monitor kept going off every few minutes the whole night (basically every time she moved) and then she was having major stomach problems so was really squirmy and uncomfortable. Feedings are every 3hours with a bottle first, and then the rest through a feeding tube. During the 2 days and 1 night that she was here there were about 40 syringes of medicines to give at various times of the day and night....some in her mouth, some through the feeding tube, some mixed with milk. Not to mention that I have to pump milk every 3 hours, prepare and wash bottles, etc. And this was only one baby. Oh dear. I am honestly a very hard worker and I can run around all day doing whatever needs to be done, but I need to sleep! I don't think anyone can survive many days with only a few minutes of sleep. I think we'll have to do some sort of rotation system where I sleep from 8-2 and Tero sleeps from 2-whenever Matias gets up. Or at least we can try. :)

The scariest thing for me while Sofia was here was the feedings. If she doesn't have much energy or is too hungry, she stops breathing and goes totally blue while she eats. Usually with a few pats on the back or a tickle on the feet, she coughs and remembers to breathe again. But it's still scary. My hands are sweating the whole time I'm feeding her and I'm watching her like a hawk, waiting for her chest to rise and fall. Hopefully every day it will get easier and easier and she'll get better at eating.

Everything seemed to be going in the right direction until today. I have been in tears almost constantly again....maybe lack of sleep is partly to blame. Sofia could've come home again, but Matias just started getting a really bad runny nose and cough yesterday. When I dropped him off at daycare this morning, there were about 5 kids coughing really badly. So now we can't bring Sofia home until he is better. This is about the 5th time in 3 months (since Matias started daycare) that he has been sick and it's making me so stressed out about the future. If the girls get sick now or even in this first year, it can be life-threatening. Their lungs are anyways in such bad condition, that even a small cold can put them back in the hospital. So what are we supposed to do? If we keep Matias at home, he will go crazy...we won't have time to take him places, he won't have friends to play with, he will be just plain bored and getting into lots of trouble. He needs to go to daycare, but then he will be sick. It's just a fact. I talked to the social worker at the hospital today to ask if they can help us out somehow and she promised to see what she can do. Perhaps there would be a space in some family daycare where there are only a few kids...then there is less chance of getting sick. Most of the places are probably already filled for the fall, so it might be tough. We have to come up with something though, because we can't have a sick kid here when there are 2 babies in a very delicate condition. Too stressful even thinking about it...and the babies aren't even home yet.

And Olivia...oh my poor little Olivia. I cried so hard while I held her yesterday and today. Her breathing is getting so bad again and it seems that every single breath is such an effort. She makes really bad wheezing noises as well with each breath and it sounds like she's constantly just gasping for air. It breaks my heart. I had really bad asthma as a kid and I know what it feels like to not be able to breathe. It's horrible. I feel so bad for her, but am thankful to know that at least she won't remember this. Watching your own baby suffer is just the worst thing in the world. She will go back to Lastenklinikka (the NICU where she was before) to get things checked out, but unfortunately they don't have space for her until next week. Hopefully things don't go too far downhill before then, because already since Friday there is a very noticeable difference. The doctor at Jorvi thinks that the breathing machine injured her throat somehow, so now the inside of the throat is just loose, creating less space for the air to pass and making it hard to breathe. It could be something else though. The doctors will put Olivia to sleep and take a look inside her throat to see what the problem is. If it's something that can be corrected with surgery, then they will do the surgery next week. A week or two ago, it seemed that Olivia wasn't too far behind Sofia and that it would only be a matter of a week or two before she would also be able to come home. But now it's a different story. A month, at least...maybe more. The doctor couldn't say anything, but let's just say that she definitely wasn't smiling today. :(

Today is one of those days where I just want to say, 'en mä jaksaa'. There's not a great translation for it in English, but basically means that I just can't go on. I feel like this is a rollercoaster that will never end. I also feel guilty that I should be happy and grateful that things are at least going well for Sofia, but it's hard. Sometimes life seems a little bit too overwhelming, although I know that I still have a lot of things to be thankful for. It would just be nice to get a break once in awhile...a break from all this drama. We saw a commercial about Cyprus last night and Tero and I both just looked at each other and said, 'I wish'. Life used to be so easy. Some day all of this drama will be behind us and someday we will all be together and feeling happy. Today is just one of those days that 'someday' seems really far away. Maybe I need to read 'The Little Engine that Could' to Matias again tonight. Have to keep plugging away....because that's all we really can do. Tomorrow is a new day.

My Dear Matias

Matias Onni Miikki, 5 days old


In a few days Matias will be 18 months old and on Saturday will become a big brother when Sofia comes home, so this blog post is for him. Our big baby has become a big boy and man, has the time gone quickly. In spite of some very minor difficulties along the way which have usually passed in a matter of days, Matias has been the most wonderful boy I could've ever imagined. I waited 32 years to have a baby, and he has honestly been my dream come true. When I heard him cry for the first time, I cried buckets. It was the moment that I actually realized that there was indeed a baby in my stomach (funny that my stomach was ginormous and I still didn't believe there was really a baby in there :)) and that I was finally a mom. The love I felt when I first saw his scrunched up face and little nose was indescribable. I will never forget that moment. I was so happy and so excited for the future.

I didn't know it was possible to love somebody so much. Matias makes me smile 100 times a day, at least. And when I'm away, just thinking about him makes me smile. I don't know how I would've survived these last 3 months without him. When I go to pick him up from daycare, I almost have to run because I am so excited to see him. Every night when he goes to bed, Tero and I smile and tell each other how nice he is or how cute it was when he did this or that. It never gets old.

When I look back at Matias's baby pictures, part of me feels sad that he's not a baby anymore. But the other part of me thinks that each day is more fun than the last. Seeing Matias learn new things, actually 'playing' with toys, talking up a storm, flirting with the cashiers at the store, laughing at his own tricks....he just makes us laugh. He is a nice boy, a good boy, a calm boy, a happy boy. When I ask him, 'who loves Matias' he answers, 'mama'...and it melts my heart every time. With the hugs, kisses, squeezes, and cuddles he gets every day, he definitely knows he is loved. And that makes me happy. :)

I have felt really bad for him these past months with so many changes in his life and for having a very stressed out mommy, but he has probably handled it better than I have. There are a lot more changes coming for all of us, but I hope that we can all keep holding hands and get through this together. I hope he will not feel ignored and left out when his sisters come home and I hope that he will always know just how very important and special he is to me....and always will be.

A few pictures from the cottage last weekend...our last weekend as 'the 3 of us'

On the way there, Matias's first time at McDonald's


Ready for a boat ride


Captain Matias


Mosquito nets are fun!


Not so sure about having dirty hands


Testing the water


Finnish summer


Mud


Time to go home (with a few mosquito bites as souvenirs)