Overflowing

Somedays, like today, my heart is so overflowing with emotions that the excess comes out as tears. I have been crying all day. I'm not sad at all...just so touched and so thankful.

Today we had the girls' last developmental check at the hospital where they spent the first 2 months of their lives. I've always enjoyed going there to see the doctors and nurses, but of course there are a lot of other emotions hovering under the surface.

We saw the head of the NICU in the hallway as we arrived. I always feel like running up to give that wonderful man a big bear hug every time I see him. I feel like crying. I feel like asking what I can do to say thank you. He was the one who came and sat next to my bed to talk with me right before the girls were born. He was the one who took care of the girls right after they were born. He is the man who saved my babies' lives. I don't even really know him, but I feel like I do. And I also feel like I would like to do something...ANYTHING...that could properly show the amount of gratitude I feel every day for him and for his colleagues. I sent a Christmas card last year, I have said thank you every time I have seen him, and now I made this picture for the hallway of the NICU (to join all the other ones there):




But I feel like it's not enough. I have to hope that he knows how appreciated he is. I hope he will know that he will be in our thoughts every single day for the rest of our lives. I have to hope that just by loving my girls the way I do that I am properly thanking him for what he did.

*Sniff*

We also saw one of our favorite nurses today. She has always been so amazed and happy to see how the girls have grown....and the girls seem to recognize her too, which is extremely touching. Today was possibly the last time we will see her (at least in a long time) because the girls will no longer have their developmental check-ups in the NICU. I have always been really happy to see this nurse, but for some reason today I burst into tears. I told her in Finnish and through my tears that I hope she knows what great work she does....that our girls are so wonderful and we are so happy....that we are thankful every single day to her and to the hospital. She started crying as well and gave me a big hug. And even my strong and brave husband had tears in his eyes. It just feels so stupid to say thank you when I want to say so much more. There aren't enough words...there aren't the right words. How do you say thank to someone who made you feel so welcome in the scariest of environments...who gave you the courage to touch your fragile babies...who sang lullabies to your babies in the middle of the night when you couldn't be there yourself....who performed life-saving procedures every day...who helped give you the beautiful, happy babies you have today?

I just wish there was something I could do.

Even though I feel that nothing I do would be enough to thank the doctors and nurses, I know that the collage of pictures will help a lot of parents. At least I know how much those pictures helped me. I looked at those pictures in the hallway every day I was at the hospital and they gave me hope. I saw that some of the babies had the same birthweight as the girls and they grew up to be big and healthy. I saw pictures of babies who looked as small and helpless as the girls and later had chubby rosy cheeks and looked so happy. The pictures gave me hope that someday....someday....the girls would be big, they would be home, they would be without tubes and wires, they would be so adorably cute, they would be HAPPY. Those pictures gave me hope when I had very little else to hold on to. I hope the pictures of my 2 little angels will give the same kind of hope to other parents.

Oh, and I forgot to mention the check-up itself. It was fabulous. The girls were really happy and doing all sorts of tricks for the doctors. They were able to do all the tasks they were asked to do. Olivia is still not rolling over and can't get up to standing by herself yet, so we will have a therapist coming to visit us at home a few times, but the doctors weren't concerned. Both girls are progressing all the time, but Olivia (understandably) at a bit slower pace than Sofia. But she's progressing. All the time. And besides the standing, Olivia is able to do all of the other things that Sofia does. Olivia is also above the average for height and weight (according to her adjusted age of 1 year, 2 months). The doctors were very pleased with everything and shared a lot of smiles with us today.

It was just a really nice day. :) While of course I wouldn't have chosen to have happen to us what happened last year, it is part of the reason that I am so happy and so thankful today....and so in love with my children. There is always sunshine after the rain...