I love you, times two!

For Olivia and Sofia in honor of Twin Day- February 2, 2012

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Doctor: So, do you have twins in your family?

Me: (nervously laughing) WHAT?!?! Are there two??? Are you serious?? Really?? Are you sure??

And here they were, at the moment that 'twins' became part of our daily vocabulary:

(That's Sofia there on the bottom.  Olivia is hiding, but you can see her little home :))

I have twins in my family, but the thought had never even crossed my mind that I would have twins. It wasn't something I had wished for, it wasn't something I had worried about...I honestly hadn't ever even given it a thought. So when we got the news in December 2009, when our dear little Matias was only 11 months old, we were more than a little shocked. We were scared and feeling completely unsure about how we were going to manage. Deep down I was excited and had a feeling (or more of a hope) that the babies would be girls, but the worry of the reality of our daily life and all of the changes that would be necessary (new house, new car, stroller to fit 3 kids, etc. etc....AAHHHH!!!) took center stage.

When we found out the twins were definitely girls in the middle of March, I was in heaven. For 2 weeks I was living in a pink fairytale where I felt my life was totally and completely perfect. Matias was an angel and now I was going to get two beautiful girls. I was getting so much more than I felt like I deserved.  Although I was still nervous about the reality of having 3 children with such a small age difference, I was incredibly happy.

When the girls were born without warning on April 3, 2010 at only 24+4 pregnancy weeks, all of our worries about how to cope with twins seemed so insignificant. Healthy twins would have been a far deal easier than what we were about to face, and we had taken the idea of having healthy babies for granted. For the first 2 weeks after the girls were born, we didn't even know if they would survive or not.  And if they did make it, we were clearly informed that there would be huge risks for a variety of long-term problems. It was a nightmare so horrible, that some moments I didn't believe it was actually happening. The emotional pain of seeing your babies struggling to survive before your eyes and not knowing with each second that passes if they are still going to be alive tomorrow is almost unbearable. I still cannot tell the story of the girls' birth and those first few weeks without tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. The pain, the fear, the heartache, the sadness, the tears...the huge feeling of loss. It is something that will take a lifetime to recover from.

The road travelled over the past two years has not been an easy one, but now here we are:

We have happy, healthy twin girls. Every day when I say, 'my girls', I think about how lucky I am. When I see the girls smile, when I hear them laugh at each other, when I see them playing together, when I see them walking...it is all just a miracle that I will be thankful for forever. I'm thankful that they survived, thankful that they got to be together, and thankful that I got the privilege of being not only the mom of two miracles, but also the mom of twins.

When most moms and grandmas see me with twins, they comment on how much work it must be. Twins are double the work, right? Well, yes. The amount of bottles and diapers in the beginning was ridiculous. The lack of sleep and lack of arms was (and still is) frustrating. The loads upon loads of laundry were (and still are) never-ending. Yet it seems in life that when you have to work really hard at something, it's that much more enjoyable.

All mothers know the totally head-over-heels in love feeling they get when they hold their baby, when their baby smiles at them, when their baby starts talking, starts walking, etc., etc. Well, when you have twins, you get that feeling times two. Can you imagine falling in love with 2 totally different little people at the same time? It is an amazing feeling. I clearly remember wondering in my exhausted, worn-out state when the girls first came home from the hospital why-oh-why on earth would anyone ever actually wish for twins? It felt so hard! But then one day Sofia smiled, and then Olivia smiled, and then both of them smiled at me at the same time and I was like, 'Wow....ok, now I totally get it.' And it just kept getting better from there. Their smiles light up my heart and fill me with so much happiness.

Is my life easy? No way (ha ha...that makes me laugh :)). Do the kids always get along? Definitely not. Would I choose to have twins again if I had a choice? Probably not. Would I choose to have 3 kids within 15 months if I could do it over again? Absolutely not. Do I have days when I wonder, 'How the heck am I going to survive this?' Ummm, yeah. BUT, now when the children are in our lives, I actually wouldn't want to change anything. I have realized that this is exactly what I was meant to have. This is our life. It is not easy and it is not always fun, but it is wonderful. Exhaustingly, frustratingly, amazingly, beautifully wonderful. I love all 3 of my children with my whole heart and I can't imagine having done it any other way. Part of me sometimes wonders what would have happened if one or both of the girls hadn't made it. I honestly don't know if I could've coped with the loss of a baby. I really don't know. My busy life now is a small price to pay for not having to find that out.

In the beginning when the girls were fighting for their lives, I many times thought, 'What did I do to deserve this?' And now I'm thinking, 'What did I do to deserve THIS?':

And this....

I am one lucky lady. Thank you to Sofia and Olivia for being so brave and beautiful in every way, and thank you to Matias for being such a kind and patient big brother of twins.