half a year

Wow, about 6 weeks since my last post. Time goes so quickly!!


Speaking of time...the girls turned 6 months old a little over a week ago. HALF A YEAR! I seriously cannot believe that they were born half a year ago. I spent a lot of time that weekend thinking about everything that has happened...so many emotions. I'm not sure if it will ever get easier when remembering those first few hours, days, and weeks....and not sure if I can ever do it without crying. I looked back at pictures of the girls and it made me realize just how far they have come. From dark purple, transparent, bruised skin...eyes that were still sealed shut...heads the size of mandarin oranges....hands the size of my thumb nail...tubes and wires going in and out of 20 different places....to this:



Chubby cheeks, chubby legs, smiling faces, bright blue eyes, perfect skin. Wow. Back in April I could've never imagined that this is how they would look. Those 124 days in the hospital wouldn't have seemed quite so scary if I knew this was what was coming. If someone could've just shown me this picture and said, 'patience, my friend.' Oh, how that would've helped me. But even with all of the uncertainty and fear, we made it this far.....and we know that is something to be proud of.

Needless to say, we are in love. Look at those faces! Of course we have loved the girls from the beginning, but it wasn't the 'head over heels love at first sight' kind of love that most parents experience when seeing their babies for the first time. It has taken time for the love to really grow. Maybe there were just too many tubes, machines, nurses, doctors, tests, procedures, and a vast array of other emotions in the way. Now that they are home and really feel like OUR babies (not hospital babies), it seems like they've always been part of our family and we wouldn't trade them for the world.

Our lives are definitely 'easier' than detailed in my last post. Or maybe we're just getting used to the madness? :) Tero and I don't have free time any more though...that is a fact. Evenings and weekends are packed full of food, bottles, fussy babies, baths, bedtime routines. Someone has come 2 mornings a week (now only 1) to help with the babies so that I can clean, do laundry, prepare dinner, etc. (or rest, but I'm a type A personality, so that's usually not an option :)). We still haven't managed to arrange the night nurse, but I think we can survive now on our own. We still have a few really bad nights once in awhile, but overall the girls are sleeping a lot better. They take 3-4 naps during the day, then they sleep at night from about 8.30-1.00, 1.30-5.00, and 5.30-7.00. They have a bottle 6-7 times a day, baby food 3 times a day, and rice cereal in the evenings. The feeding is very messy and time-consuming, and unfortunately I have yet to find a stain remover that will get the carrots out of all their cute little clothes. The girls still have the tongue thrust reflex (they are supposed to be only 2.5 months old, so of course they do) and when they are eating together on my nifty feeding pillow, their arms are flailing around, and...well, you get the picture. It's messy. :) It's all worth it though because the girls are growing really well and are around the average size of any baby who was born in July. No more negative numbers!! Last Friday both girls were about 5.5 kilos (Sofia took a slight lead!) and 60 cm. Good girls. :)

Now that I'm actually awake enough to think straight and have energy to do something besides take naps, I have to admit that I'm a little bit lonely. Ok, actually really lonely. Loneliness is nothing compared to what the girls have gone through though, and I try to remind myself of that every day. And of course I am willing to do anything I need to do...even stay home the rest of my life...if it would keep our girls safe and healthy. I know that many people would LOVE to be able to stay at home all day and not have to go anywhere, but I guess when you're kind of forbidden to do something, it just makes it that much more appealing. I'm used to a very active lifestyle, so it's a pretty big change. I cannot take the girls out to public places, so my only real adventure in the day is picking Matias up from daycare. I sadly have to admit that when we have a hospital check-up with the girls, it is the highlight of my week. That is the only place I've gotten to take the girls out (out of their stroller, out of their car seat, out of their snowsuit) and it's nice to see people's reactions to twins. :) The doctor just informed us that in January we can start living more of a normal life. We can take the girls to baby swimming if we'd like, take them out shopping, and even take them to groups with a few kids....but still of course avoiding sick people whenever possible.

What most people don't understand about preemies is that just because they are home, it doesn't mean that everything is fine and normal. Basically the girls are forever changed because of their early birth and they will never be the same people they would've been if born later. None of their organs were ready when they were born and they are still recovering from that. They are still so fragile and have really bad lungs, so even a small flu will send them to the hospital (2 emergency room visits in the last 2 weeks, plus 2 lung doctor visits are proof of that). We are trying not to dwell on the unknowns, but the truth is that there are still so many unknowns and I think any normal parent would worry. Even a 'normal' baby has risks for developing problems down the road, but with preemies the risks are exponentially higher....and of course when we have 2 babies, the risks grow even more. The risks for developmental problems, difficulties learning to walk and talk, behavioral problems, cerebral palsy, brain damage, etc. are there and of course we won't find out until later on....perhaps even years. Fortunately the care in Finland is so good that the percentages of preemies with problems here are less than in other countries. I just read some encouraging news as well. It has been proven that preemies have a lower IQ in general than normal birthweight babies, but studies in Finland have shown that preemies in Finland still have a higher IQ than normal birthweight babies in the US. That doesn't sound too discouraging. :) Like a doctor told me last week when I asked if everything looked ok, she said, 'time will tell'. Of course I didn't like that she said that (why can't you just tell me my babies are fine and perfect?!?), but it's true. Nobody can really tell us anything yet. Again with the whole patience thing.

Good days, bad days, amazingly wonderful days, horrible days....we have experienced them all. I just told a friend the other day that even though I'm exhausted and have literally no free time, there is a lot of love and funny stuff happening amidst all the chaos that keeps us going. Some people have asked how we manage with so little help and I really don't know what to say. When you have to do something, you just do it...and don't really have time to think about other options. Yes, we would like to be able to go out in public as a family and spend time together....yes, we would like to know that our girls will be able to walk and talk and flirt with boys someday....yes, we would like to sleep 8 hours at night and feel refreshed in the morning...yes, we would like to do a lot of things that we logistically can't do. The truth is though, that a lot of other parents share our struggles....and a lot of people have it even worse than us. Things can ALWAYS be worse. And you can spend a lot of time waiting for your problems to be solved, but as soon as they are they will most surely be replaced with new ones. So, although our lives are not easy and not exactly how we planned, we try so hard every day to be thankful for what we have. Sometimes we are not successful, but most days we are. How lucky are we to have a son who makes us laugh every day and who we love so much that just the mere thought of him makes us smile? How lucky are we to wish for a daughter and get two at the same time? How lucky are we to have a 50-50 chance of two babies dying and both of them survive with flying colors? How lucky are we to have experienced events that have taught us to catch every single glimmer of happiness in the day and make it a huge deal? I would call that lucky.