Some people might wonder why I continue to advertise the
girls’ prematurity, when obviously we’ve overcome most of the major obstacles
and from the outside the girls appear to be normal, healthy girls. Part of me wants to shout from the mountains
what the girls have overcome because I am so proud of them, and I am still touched
every day by the miracle that they are.
Another part of me is probably still suffering from some type of
post-traumatic stress disorder, and I just feel the need to share. Writing is therapeutic. Maybe sometimes I also use the girls' prematurity as an
excuse for why I get so emotional sometimes, and why I think that all of the
little things are such a big deal. It’s
one of those things that doesn’t go away just because you’re out of the
danger zone. I’m sure I will always have
post-traumatic stress about this to some degree. The girls will always and forever be my miracles. I cannot imagine living in a world without
them in it and we were so close to losing them. Although it hasn’t been a
piece of cake (and some days unimaginably far from it), it has been the
greatest experience of my life. As I said on my blog in 2011,
I will dwell in the fact that my babies are miracles, because
they are and always will be. Every single thing they do is amazing.
Your mind fears the worst when the doctor sits by your
bedside as your 24-week pregnancy is coming to an end and tells you that IF
your girls do survive, the chance of having future problems is very great. In devastating moments like this, it doesn’t
seem logical to hope for the best. It
seems more logical and realistic to expect that bad things are going to happen
and to mentally prepare. IF we defeat
the odds and both girls survive, what is the chance we’re going to come away
from this with 2 healthy and happy girls?
For days, weeks, and even months we had to think about things like: What
if one of the girls dies? What if both
of them die? What if they are mentally
handicapped? What if they are physically
handicapped? What if they will never
walk? What if they can never go to a
‘normal’ school? What if they can’t show
emotions and hug us? What if they won’t
have a happy life?
Every time the girls have reached seemingly ‘normal’
developmental milestones, it has been far from normal for us. It has been a time to celebrate and reflect
on what tremendous fighters these girls are. Every day I thank my lucky stars. Any time I see a severely emotionally or
physically handicapped child in a wheelchair, my heart goes out to the
parents. I feel like that could have
been us and it tears me apart. It brings back all the fears and worries that I used
to have. How did we get this lucky? We have minor behavioral issues and a
scratchy voice to deal with. We won the
lottery. Two times.
The best comment I’ve gotten recently regarding Sofia and Olivia:
Your girls are so full of life!
Wow, what a compliment. After
witnessing these same little girls weighing just one pound and fighting to live, what a beautiful thing to hear.
And the great thing is, it’s true. Sofia and Olivia are hopping around like
little bunnies wherever they go. They
are full of life, full of energy, full of girlish silliness. They go up and talk to strangers. They make people laugh. They make people smile just by looking cute.
I know I have said this before, but I wish so badly that I could
have seen pictures of the girls as they are now when I was sitting next to
their incubators 5 years ago. The amount
of fear and worry would have been so much more tolerable. That said, I think the fear and the waiting is what makes everything so much more rewarding now. We waited 2 weeks to hold the girls, 6 weeks
to hear them cry for the first time, 124 days to take them home for good,
almost 2 years to take them out without fear of germs in public places (although the experience has still left me a slight germaphobe). Now they are such big girls with wonderful personalities...and they are going to school in the fall!
This whole experience has changed our lives. Tero and I are surely very different people
than we would have been had we had healthy babies. Probably the most important lesson we have
learned is to never take things for granted.
You never realize how lucky you are and how good life is until something devastating
happens. Live every day
as joyfully as you can.
I still can't believe 5 years have passed since this day...
And look at them now...
Happy 5th Birthday, Sofia and Olivia!
They are gorgeous. Happy Birthday to those girls, who ARE full of life! And to mom and dad and brother Matias as well.....!
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