Letting Go

I have cried more in the last 2 weeks than I have cried in a very long time.  No matter how hard I try, I cannot handle the image of Sofia and Olivia walking away from me with their backpacks on.  I try every day, hoping it will prepare me for the real event.  It’s not working.  I am not ready.

I have tried to comfort myself with the fact that I’m not weird.  Most moms cry when they send their kids off to kindergarten for the first time.  It’s so hard!  They look so little with their backpacks on.  They are still babies.  Whether it is our first child to go to school or our last, they seem so small and innocent.  They can’t get all ‘big kid’ on us and go out into the real world alone.  They still need us, don’t they?  Or maybe it’s just that we need them.  

Like most moms, I have my excuses.  My excuses for being an emotional mess are plenty.  Just ask my husband.  I think in this case, it’s a big sense of loss.  My first child just started kindergarten last year and now my babies are going this year.  Three kids heading out and growing up in a year.  That is tough.  My days as a stay-at-home mom raising my kids from sunrise to sunset are coming to an end.  That is the only life I have known for almost 7 years.

My girls have been with me basically 24/7 since they came home from the hospital.  I have once been away from them for 2 days, but other than that never more than a few hours.  They have not gone to preschool or participated in any kind of activities where I have not been there with them.  Maybe that is weird, but that’s just how we roll.  Like I mentioned, I have my excuses. 

And of course I think the way the girls came into the world has made me so unready to let them out of my protective bubble.  I could not save them in the beginning or be with them as much as I wanted, so I promised that if they survive I would never let them suffer.  I would always make sure that they are safe and loved every single day of their lives.  When they are with me, I have control over that.  When they go out into the real world, they are on their own.  How will they react if someone doesn’t want to play with them or teases them?  What if they can’t find a friend?  What if they feel too nervous to talk in front of the class and burst into tears?  What if they are too afraid to ask to go to the bathroom?  Have I prepared them well enough to handle the situations they’ll face?  Such a big responsibility I have been given and the results are yet to come.

In all honesty, I believe the girls will do really well.  This post is all about me when in fact it should be about them.  They are very excited to start school and make new friends.  And they are ready.   They are both very smart, social, friendly, and eager to learn.  I am so proud of them!  Besides, it's 2.5 hours.  Only 2.5 hours!  I think we'll all manage.  It's just so bittersweet to see two brave little girls whose future was so unsure, walking so independently into the big wide world full of possibilities.  They amazed me then, they amaze me now, and they will continue to amaze me with every single thing they do.  Oh, these girls.