Last Saturday, on the day she turned 3 months old, Sofia got to visit home for the first time. It was such an exciting day for all of us after waiting soooo long. :))
It feels strange to have given birth 3 months ago and to just now start getting the feeling that we actually have a baby (babies). She was really cute and it was so fun to just have her here. Feeding her while watching tv or watching Matias play is a million times better than sitting alone in a hospital room! We even took a short walk and took her to the park while Matias played outside. It was great. Tero's mom was here and she cooked dinner for us as well as helping keep Matias occupied. Everything went really well.
Sofia checking out the bouncy chair... 
Matias had his own fun on the balcony...
Matias was pretty curious about the baby. He kept going to look in her crib and saying, 'baby'...and mostly with a smile on his face. A bit of a mischievous smile, but still. :) He got annoyed a few times if Sofia was in my lap and he couldn't be and overall he was trying to show off a bit the whole day, but it actually went a lot better than planned. It would've been nice if she could've stayed here for good, but it was good to get a little practice before the real circus starts. :)
Although having the babies home is going to be a great relief (it means they're doing ok!), Tero and I realized just how tough it's going to be. We got a few minutes of sleep here and there during the night that Sofia was home and were so exhausted the next day. If that continues for a few days in a row...oh man. Rough. Sofia's oxygen saturation/pulse monitor kept going off every few minutes the whole night (basically every time she moved) and then she was having major stomach problems so was really squirmy and uncomfortable. Feedings are every 3hours with a bottle first, and then the rest through a feeding tube. During the 2 days and 1 night that she was here there were about 40 syringes of medicines to give at various times of the day and night....some in her mouth, some through the feeding tube, some mixed with milk. Not to mention that I have to pump milk every 3 hours, prepare and wash bottles, etc. And this was only one baby. Oh dear. I am honestly a very hard worker and I can run around all day doing whatever needs to be done, but I need to sleep! I don't think anyone can survive many days with only a few minutes of sleep. I think we'll have to do some sort of rotation system where I sleep from 8-2 and Tero sleeps from 2-whenever Matias gets up. Or at least we can try. :)
The scariest thing for me while Sofia was here was the feedings. If she doesn't have much energy or is too hungry, she stops breathing and goes totally blue while she eats. Usually with a few pats on the back or a tickle on the feet, she coughs and remembers to breathe again. But it's still scary. My hands are sweating the whole time I'm feeding her and I'm watching her like a hawk, waiting for her chest to rise and fall. Hopefully every day it will get easier and easier and she'll get better at eating.
Everything seemed to be going in the right direction until today. I have been in tears almost constantly again....maybe lack of sleep is partly to blame. Sofia could've come home again, but Matias just started getting a really bad runny nose and cough yesterday. When I dropped him off at daycare this morning, there were about 5 kids coughing really badly. So now we can't bring Sofia home until he is better. This is about the 5th time in 3 months (since Matias started daycare) that he has been sick and it's making me so stressed out about the future. If the girls get sick now or even in this first year, it can be life-threatening. Their lungs are anyways in such bad condition, that even a small cold can put them back in the hospital. So what are we supposed to do? If we keep Matias at home, he will go crazy...we won't have time to take him places, he won't have friends to play with, he will be just plain bored and getting into lots of trouble. He needs to go to daycare, but then he will be sick. It's just a fact. I talked to the social worker at the hospital today to ask if they can help us out somehow and she promised to see what she can do. Perhaps there would be a space in some family daycare where there are only a few kids...then there is less chance of getting sick. Most of the places are probably already filled for the fall, so it might be tough. We have to come up with something though, because we can't have a sick kid here when there are 2 babies in a very delicate condition. Too stressful even thinking about it...and the babies aren't even home yet.
Although having the babies home is going to be a great relief (it means they're doing ok!), Tero and I realized just how tough it's going to be. We got a few minutes of sleep here and there during the night that Sofia was home and were so exhausted the next day. If that continues for a few days in a row...oh man. Rough. Sofia's oxygen saturation/pulse monitor kept going off every few minutes the whole night (basically every time she moved) and then she was having major stomach problems so was really squirmy and uncomfortable. Feedings are every 3hours with a bottle first, and then the rest through a feeding tube. During the 2 days and 1 night that she was here there were about 40 syringes of medicines to give at various times of the day and night....some in her mouth, some through the feeding tube, some mixed with milk. Not to mention that I have to pump milk every 3 hours, prepare and wash bottles, etc. And this was only one baby. Oh dear. I am honestly a very hard worker and I can run around all day doing whatever needs to be done, but I need to sleep! I don't think anyone can survive many days with only a few minutes of sleep. I think we'll have to do some sort of rotation system where I sleep from 8-2 and Tero sleeps from 2-whenever Matias gets up. Or at least we can try. :)
The scariest thing for me while Sofia was here was the feedings. If she doesn't have much energy or is too hungry, she stops breathing and goes totally blue while she eats. Usually with a few pats on the back or a tickle on the feet, she coughs and remembers to breathe again. But it's still scary. My hands are sweating the whole time I'm feeding her and I'm watching her like a hawk, waiting for her chest to rise and fall. Hopefully every day it will get easier and easier and she'll get better at eating.
Everything seemed to be going in the right direction until today. I have been in tears almost constantly again....maybe lack of sleep is partly to blame. Sofia could've come home again, but Matias just started getting a really bad runny nose and cough yesterday. When I dropped him off at daycare this morning, there were about 5 kids coughing really badly. So now we can't bring Sofia home until he is better. This is about the 5th time in 3 months (since Matias started daycare) that he has been sick and it's making me so stressed out about the future. If the girls get sick now or even in this first year, it can be life-threatening. Their lungs are anyways in such bad condition, that even a small cold can put them back in the hospital. So what are we supposed to do? If we keep Matias at home, he will go crazy...we won't have time to take him places, he won't have friends to play with, he will be just plain bored and getting into lots of trouble. He needs to go to daycare, but then he will be sick. It's just a fact. I talked to the social worker at the hospital today to ask if they can help us out somehow and she promised to see what she can do. Perhaps there would be a space in some family daycare where there are only a few kids...then there is less chance of getting sick. Most of the places are probably already filled for the fall, so it might be tough. We have to come up with something though, because we can't have a sick kid here when there are 2 babies in a very delicate condition. Too stressful even thinking about it...and the babies aren't even home yet.
And Olivia...oh my poor little Olivia. I cried so hard while I held her yesterday and today. Her breathing is getting so bad again and it seems that every single breath is such an effort. She makes really bad wheezing noises as well with each breath and it sounds like she's constantly just gasping for air. It breaks my heart. I had really bad asthma as a kid and I know what it feels like to not be able to breathe. It's horrible. I feel so bad for her, but am thankful to know that at least she won't remember this. Watching your own baby suffer is just the worst thing in the world. She will go back to Lastenklinikka (the NICU where she was before) to get things checked out, but unfortunately they don't have space for her until next week. Hopefully things don't go too far downhill before then, because already since Friday there is a very noticeable difference. The doctor at Jorvi thinks that the breathing machine injured her throat somehow, so now the inside of the throat is just loose, creating less space for the air to pass and making it hard to breathe. It could be something else though. The doctors will put Olivia to sleep and take a look inside her throat to see what the problem is. If it's something that can be corrected with surgery, then they will do the surgery next week. A week or two ago, it seemed that Olivia wasn't too far behind Sofia and that it would only be a matter of a week or two before she would also be able to come home. But now it's a different story. A month, at least...maybe more. The doctor couldn't say anything, but let's just say that she definitely wasn't smiling today. :(
Today is one of those days where I just want to say, 'en mä jaksaa'. There's not a great translation for it in English, but basically means that I just can't go on. I feel like this is a rollercoaster that will never end. I also feel guilty that I should be happy and grateful that things are at least going well for Sofia, but it's hard. Sometimes life seems a little bit too overwhelming, although I know that I still have a lot of things to be thankful for. It would just be nice to get a break once in awhile...a break from all this drama. We saw a commercial about Cyprus last night and Tero and I both just looked at each other and said, 'I wish'. Life used to be so easy. Some day all of this drama will be behind us and someday we will all be together and feeling happy. Today is just one of those days that 'someday' seems really far away. Maybe I need to read 'The Little Engine that Could' to Matias again tonight. Have to keep plugging away....because that's all we really can do. Tomorrow is a new day.
Wow, reading this post brought back so many memories! I remember especially that deep exhaustion - both emotional and physical - that comes when thinking about all the "what ifs". I know it is so overwhelming. I can't tell you how important sleep is. We worked out a schedule (when we were still doing feeds every 3 hours) when I would take the first part of the night and then my husband took the second. That way we were always guaranteed at least 5ish hours of sleep. I know that doesn't seem like a lot, but we made it work.
ReplyDeleteThe good news is that it will not last forever. Keep telling yourself that. When I was super overhwhelmed I would tell myself - "just make it through today, just make it through today". No one can fully understand how hard a micro-preemie is to take care of, but you have the special assignment of taking care of 2! You are one amazing woman. You have made it this far, and I have no doubt in my mind that you will be able to handle this next phase.
i spent the last 20 mins trying to find a flight to finland. its a pipe dream, but i cant tell you how much i want to hug you and tell you that everything will work out. you are strong and amazing and capable. and you will get the hang of all the hard parts. if someone as wholly un-mom-like as me can be a mom to one, you are gonna rock being a mom of three.
ReplyDeleteyou have my total support and i send positivity and good things to the universe for you and yours. bless you, lyss. bless you and those babies (matty included) and tero. bless you all.
every day is a new day, and you can do it if you take them each as they come. find strength in your friends, especially tero. steal bits of matias' energy when hes not looking. and for when you cant steal his energy, look for a package coming your way..... :) love you, sista-in-la! deeeeeeep breaths.